The Ultimate Guide To Wearing A Jumpsuit

you can look like diiiiiiisssssss

Be Marisa Tomei. JKJKJKJKJK.

If you learn nothing else from my tenure at The Hairpin, I want you to learn this: jumpsuits are the best item of clothing in the world. Jumpsuits, rompers, playsuits, whatever let me explain. Every fall people come at me with this bullshit about how fantastic layering is, like how they have nothing better to do but stare at their closets and put a tank top under a t-shirt under a cardigan under a sensible jacket and how this is just so much fun and like, sorry but I’m busy. I am a modern woman on the go and I need one piece of clothing that looks fantastic because my brain does not work like Cher’s closet.

Dresses also serve this purpose. I love dresses too. I’m wearing one right now, I got it at a secondhand shop when I was in college and it still fits! If jumpsuits aren’t your thing, go with God and dresses. But the thing about dresses is that everyone wears dresses. “Oh cute dress” we all say to each other the first warm day of spring, and then we just live in a sea of cute dresses. Maybe I’m jinxing this by writing about it, but jumpsuits just make you stand out in a way that is entirely effortless. However, every time I’ve worn one I’ve been hit with a slew of questions about how exactly I wear one and, idk, you put it on and you leave the house is all, but I’m going to address some various concerns. Because you can do it!

1. How do you pee?
But Jaya, everyone inevitably whines, you bunch of whiners, how do you peeeee? Generally you just shoot it out your peehole, and you probably should have that figured out by now. No how do you pee in a jumpsuit??? Oh, well, it’s really not that hard, but there are a few things that make it easier. First, if you have non-flexible shoulders, look for jumpsuits with front or side closures, or a low back so you can easily reach your arms around there. Stretchy fabrics that you can just slip up and down also help here, but if you can do that thing where you put one arm over your shoulder and the other up from your back and can clasp your hands together, you will have no problem. Alternately, ask a friend for help. We’re ladies so we never go to the bathroom alone anyway right!??!?!?!

This is a still from the 1982 classic Disco Dancer, go watch it now please and thank you

2. Isn’t it weird, taking off all your clothes to pee?
Not really? I admit the first time was a little strange, but you get used to it. You know what’s worse? Peeing while wearing a wet bathing suit. You ever go into a public restroom at the beach while you’re still sort of damp and sandy? It’s terrible. Think of that whenever you have to pee in a jumpsuit.

3. But my body is weird!
Finding a flattering jumpsuit is probably harder than finding a flattering dress, I’ll give you that, but the results are FIRE so I highly suggest putting in the effort. Like with most clothing, there are going to be things that look great on someone else and not great on you, or ridiculous on someone else and fabulous on you, and you’ll never really know until you try it on. Try things on! You’ll figure out brands that are tight in the crotch, or forgiving in the bust, or whatever you’re looking for.

4. What do I wear with it?
Maybe wear, like, earrings? Ugh I was not prepared for this question because the WHOLE POINT is you don’t have to worry about what else to wear with it! It is the thing! Just wear whatever shoes match the weather outside and you’re good to go.

5. Where do you buy a jumpsuit?
Of the four I now own, one was from ModCloth, one was from ASOS, and the other two were secondhand, and so far those are my favorites. I have a black jersey one with a halter top and wide leg pants, and I wear it with the shiniest, tackiest jewelry I can find and I look like an old disco queen.

6. Where do I wear a jumpsuit?
Anywhere! Though, I will warn you, you will be the talk of the room because of how fabulous you look. I wore one to a wedding, and tbh was a bit self conscious that it wasn’t really proper wedding attire, and got nonstop compliments. Wear them to parties, wear a short romper to the beach, you can even throw a regular blouse or sweater over one and wear it to work. I even saw a guy on the subway the other day wearing a jumpsuit, and if it weren’t for the top knot, he would have looked great! How can I impress on you further that you need to buy a jumpsuit? Just get one. Get this one. You’ll look great.