Sex Tips From Frida Kahlo
So my friends had an intervention for me last night. The cause… PDA. Public Displays of Affection. Yeah… My friends say my boyfriend and I are too affectionate. Last night I went over to Matilda’s for our weekly Wine and Whine Time. Which, I hadn’t been to in about 3 months because Leon says Pinot Grigio makes him gassy. But, I wanted to see my girls because I AM in a healthy relationship and I CAN be away from Leon for 45 to 60 minutes. Matilda immediately started in on me, “You and Leon are gross. You and Leon need to stop touching each other’s thighs. You and Leon need to stop groping each other at my parents’ anniversary party.” Please. What else were we gonna do in the buffet line? Now, I don’t know what to do! I love my gals but Leon is my heart. He is my everything. He’s like the human equivalent of Netflix, wine and chocolate all wrapped up in one being! He’s my NetChocWine! How do I not make out with him 24/7?
So… do I have to choose between my friends and my boyfriend?
-My Sophie’s Choice? Pinot Grigio vs. NetChocWine
El Acariciador de los Muslos,
There is no choice. There is only love. Only passion. Who can resist touching their lover’s thigh especially in a buffet line? Please! Matilda needs a lover who looks at her like a bourbon biscuit. Or she at least needs someone to touch her thigh. Everyone needs to have his or her thighs touched now and then. What capitalist puritan crap are your friends spewing at you?
NetChocWine. You must love Leon “more than your own skin.” I remember that feeling. My Diego wasn’t just my husband, “Diego was my everything my child my lover my universe.” So Wine Ladies, how do you abandon the universe? How do you take off your skin? How do you stop eating chocolate?
I only know one way to love and it is completely and somewhat obsessively. Your friends must learn to accept your Leon or they will have to drink their Pinot Grigio without you.
I long for a simpler time. Every dude I meet, whether it’s online, at a bar or at Patty’s hipster bingo night, wants to text me for at least 3 days before actually asking me to come over for a “Netflix and chill.”
Here’s my sad dilemma, I don’t know how to be flirty via text. There are only so many emoticons I can use. What do I say? “How are you ;)”? Then if he texts me how do I respond? “Well, gee I’m doin the dishes;)” I don’t know how to write sexy texts. Also, I hate emoticons.
I am with you. “I don’t know how to write love letters.” Oh right… Love letters? You know, the pre-millennial version of texts. I know. I hate the word millennial too. Anyway, you don’t need to know how to write sexy texts. Don’t flirt. Just write what you FEEL! Write what you’d like to DO with Mr. Hipster Bingo Man. When I wrote to my lover Jose I wasn’t trying to be sexy or flirty I wasn’t trying to write a “good love letter” I was confessing. I was purging. And that was hot. I would write to him and say:
My whole being opened for you.
When I was with Diego I told him:
You. You intensify
Or if you prefer the more modern spelling: U. U intensify everything.
Whatever works. There are many ways to express yourself. Everyone is different but I find that when I’m stumped some nature imagery + the word “coming” seems to get the message across. Example:
No moon, sun, diamond, hands —
fingertip, dot, ray, gauze, sea.
pine green, pink glass, eye,
mine, eraser, mud, mother, I am coming
Or you can just cut to the chase:
I want to be inside your darkest everything.
Bottom line: Don’t censor yourself. Censorship is not hot. Right, Mr. Rockefeller?
So again my Texter Desafortunada, write what is in your heart. Or… just steal a few of my lines for now 😉
I think I need to dump my boyfriend. It’s not so much that he’s boring or I’m boring it’s that TOGETHER we are INCREDIBLY boring. At this point I get more aroused when I’m brushing my teeth.
It’s not just that the sex is terrible. Last week we went to my cousin Sheryl’s wedding and he wouldn’t dance with me, not even to the YMCA song! We used to dance, laugh and sing very very poorly all the time. Not just at wedding or parties. There’s no joy anymore. Also, Rex (my boyfriend) was flirting with Sheryl. He asked her if she was going to do the garter toss and then he tried to wink. Who hits on their girlfriend’s relative?
I don’t know what to do. Do we break up? Do we rekindle the magic? I don’t even know how we’d do that. He barely even looks at me anymore! But, I do love him and I’m afraid to leave.
-Turns Out, It’s Not Fun to Stay… at the YMCA
It sounds like you both have already left this relationship. Let’s make it official. Also, when your man starts to hit on your relatives it’s time to end it. TRUST ME. Don’t be “…that clumsy human always loving, loving, and loving. And loving. And never leaving.” It’s torture. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. Diego was wiser than I was when it came to understanding this. Diego said “I love her far too much to want to keep inflicting more suffering on her” Then he divorced me. That was agony. But, if you’re meant to find your way back to one another you will. Diego and I did. You may. You may not. For now, you must part.
You deserve more. “ You deserve a lover who wants to dance with you” (especially to the YMCA Song.) “You deserve a lover who goes to paradise every time he looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions…You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry.” Those last two are really important. After all, a lover who knows your coffee order is the only lover worth having. And also who doesn’t like a little poetry in the morning with their latte? Try it!
Break up with him and take some time for yourself.
Then, after a suitable period of self-reflection and tequila take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Maybe that person will be Rex, maybe it will another man or… woman! Try it!
But here’s the big thing, you need to know that YOU are the magic! And magic people don’t take sh*t.