Time Is Moving Too Fast Again

Remember when time was moving too fast and too slow? Now it’s just moving too fast. Just a moment ago I was hitting snooze on my alarm on Monday and now it is after 2 p.m. on Wednesday. Soon it will be next week, and then what? It will be deathtime. “Good, I’m ready for deathtime,” you’re thinking in your Twitter voice, and I agree, but also I would like to be alive long enough to go to more restaurants and find my true love and see my dog go to college, without it all being in Fast Forward. So, what to do? Let’s think.

To reiterate: we’re solving this together. I hope you didn’t think I would have an answer for how to slow down or pause time myself, beyond Pause Day, which I do not yet have the power to implement. When does time feel the slowest? Maybe that’s a good place to start. The answer that immediately comes to mind is when you’re driving toward a destination that is over three hours away. I think this is because of relativity and physics, and also the speed of light, and also because of how you were unable to purchase new CDs in advance of the trip.

Why does time slow down when you approach the speed of light? A good question that it makes sense to ask at this point. Quora says:

First, time does not slow down for you as you approach light speed. [ED NOTE: NOT A GOOD START] From your perspective, time passes normally. Instead, you observe time to be slowing for all other objects that you are moving relative to. [ED NOTE: OK] In turn, they all observe your time to be slower than theirs. [ED NOTE: OK]

OK. The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. There are 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour. And there are 180 minutes in three hours, which is one hour longer than the popular two-hour MTV series 120 Minutes. Are you following? So traveling at the speed of light, in a minute you would travel 11,160,000 miles. And in an hour you would travel 669,600,000 miles. And in three hours you would travel 2,008,800,000 miles. Earth’s diameter is 7,917.5 miles, so, traveling at the speed of light, you can make it around the earth 253716.5 times in three hours. This combines the slowing effect of a three-hour drive with the relative slowing effect of traveling at the speed of light, which gives you a Double Slowing.

So, that’s one thing we can do. Do you feel like time is slower now, or faster? I can’t tell. It’s definitely, I think, more boring, and maybe we’ve a little bit run out of steam. So.

What else? Church always took forever, so you could go to church all day. You can watch this video:

Its description says, “If you’ve ever wondered as to how to alter your perception of time, thus, altering your perception of reality, then this perception of time experiment will have you understanding the perception of time in the brain. Enjoy!” I have not watched the video myself because the beginning was just the guy talking about, I don’t know, his older brother, and thirteen hours passed before he got to how to slow down time and I have other things to do so I had to stop. Please tell me how to slow down time if you watch it and get to the part where you learn. My email is my name at gmail. (Also tell me a compliment.)

What else? In my original time post this is the list I came up with at the end for keeping time at a manageable speed:

  1. Throw your computer out the window.
  2. Quit your job.
  3. Move far away.
  4. Never look back.
  5. Find your true love!

This sounds great. Maybe just do that. Sorry for giving you all those numbers before when the answer was essentially just to throw your computer out the window, and I’d already told you that answer years ago. My brain is broken and now it’s next week already. Please catch your time and spend it wisely and slowly.

I love you,