Psychopath Test For Men Who Want To Date Me

Image: Thomas Quine via Flickr

  • Do all the coolest women in New York flock to you, like a Sam Shepard with dirtier hair and fewer Pulitzers?
  • Do you constantly think and talk about drama happening on the dating app Twitter?
  • Are most of your friends 23-year-old women with abs?
  • Are there at least three plays / think pieces / zines written by women trying to recover from dating you?
  • Upon meeting me did you immediately start going around the party saying “Blythe for president,” even though you had yet to understand that I know a lot about the news and actually should be president?
  • Are you a fan of the movie Kingsman: The Secret Service?
  • Have you dated your best friend’s ex-girlfriend?
  • Have you dated your ex-girlfriend’s best friend?
  • Can you no longer keep track, because you have dated every single woman in your friend group, ruining what used to be a really fun group text chain?
  • Have you seen the movie Seven Psychopaths and said, “This is a bad movie?”
  • Have you seen the movie Seven Psychopaths and said, “More like 8 Psychopaths, in honor of me, the viewer, the eighth psychopath.”
  • Are you going to come to my parties and make everything all about you?
  • When I told you that JD Salinger had sex with teenagers, did you find yourself rationalizing having sex with teenagers?
  • Do you lack the ability to love?
  • Do you lack the ability to love me, specifically?
  • While answering these questions, have you thought “I can’t believe Blythe wrote this entire piece about me. What a psychopath?”