Relationships Should Have Leases
RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT EXTENSION
THIS RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT EXTENSION is made and entered into by and between party one (hereinafter referred to as “GIRLFRIEND”) and party two (hereinafter referred to as “BOYFRIEND”).
PRIOR LEASE: All terms, conditions, provisions, and expectations of said Relationship Agreement remain the same EXCEPT for the following which are hereby incorporated and made a part of the Relationship Agreement:
- LIMITED LIABILITY: GIRLFRIEND makes no warranties or guarantees regarding the security of her mental or emotional state especially in the presence of small dogs, in the aftermath of a bad haircut, or during TLC marathons.
- ALTERATIONS: GIRLFRIEND is not allowed to make any drastic alterations without consulting BOYFRIEND, specifically cutting off all of her hair after a bad week. Alterations also include any DIY home projects that could yield substantial damage at or to the premise. BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND can politely request reasonable alterations and services of the other party (get a haircut, take a shower, put on deodorant). BOYFRIEND will retire shirts and ALL cargo shorts of GIRLFRIEND’S choosing and GIRLFRIEND will no longer wear her scary indoor clothes outdoors.
- NOISE: Both parties agree to not cause excessive noise that disrupts the enjoyment of life. Disruptive noises include watching annoying YouTube videos on a cell phone, chewing loudly, breathing loudly, and running the dryer during season finales.
- REPAIRS: BOYFRIEND is subject to repairs and maintenance at the premise EXCEPT red wine spills on carpet, rust stains from bobby pins, makeup mayhem, and hair-clogged drains. BOYFRIEND is not allowed to comment on such incidences.
- PAYMENT: BOYFRIEND agrees to pay GIRLFRIEND a sufficient number of compliments. “You look fine” is not a sufficient payment. GIRLFRIEND agrees to pay back a compliment OCCASIONALLY.
- EXCESSIVE UTILITY USAGE: GIRLFRIEND agrees to first resort to socks, blankets, and layers before cranking up the heat every time she has a chill. BOYFRIEND agrees to not open the window when the heat is on.
- TV RULES: TV usage is to be split evenly between GIRLFRIEND and BOYFRIEND programming. HOWEVER, playoffs and “Bachelorette” season finales take priority over all other scheduled programming. GIRLFRIEND will not for any reason alter the TV set-up or any settings. BOYFRIEND is permitted exclusive Sunday Football use as long as the GIRLFRIEND agrees that the Relationship is not being negatively affected. BOYFRIEND is not permitted to refer to whatever show GIRLFRIEND is watching as “garbage,” even if the show GIRLFRIEND is watching is, in fact, garbage.
- EXTENDED ABSENCES: If either party plans on taking an extended absence from the premises, he/she agrees to communicate their absence to the other party. If the absentee party comes home intoxicated, it is not the other party’s responsibility to like them very much. If there was sufficient communication, water, Advil, and minimum judgment will be provided the next morning.
- LIMITS ON GUEST STAYS: Guests, no matter how loved, cannot stay more than ten consecutive days without approval by both parties. Under no circumstances should a grown man freeload on the couch AGAIN.
- RIGHT OF ENTRY: BOYFRIEND will stay out of GIRLFRIEND’S designated bathroom area as long as GIRLFRIEND promises to provide BOYFRIEND with his own supply of Q-tips. GIRLFRIEND will continue to never, ever enter BOYFRIEND’S bathroom area and is not responsible for its cleaning.
- PESTS: BOYFRIEND agrees that he will be responsible for removal of any pest infestation, including but not limited to spiders, bugs with a lot of legs, bugs with only a few legs, and unidentifiable pests that GIRLFRIEND is certain she saw. BOYFRIEND is to swiftly and effectively take care of pests without subjecting GIRLFRIEND to any further danger (see: LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR).
- LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR: Whether or not the behavior is well intended, GIRLFRIEND agrees to not do BOYFRIEND’S laundry again EVER because she does not take the same care as with her own laundry. BOYFRIEND will in no circumstance use Raid or a bug bomb in GIRLFRIEND’S presence. Another bug bomb will serve as a breach of contract and may warrant an immediate termination of Relationship.
- GENERAL: BOYFRIEND will control toenail clippings in common shared spaces and GIRLFRIEND will control shedding in the kitchen. Both parties agree to limit phone activity while at dinner and neither are permitted to check either’s personal devices while other party is in the bathroom.
- MISCELLANEOUS: GIRLFRIEND agrees to not make recipes with anything that uses Greek yogurt as a substitute for something Greek yogurt will never be, or anything from Skinny Taste, Skinny Fork, or anything from the Skinny Bitch empire. BOYFRIEND is aware that he will be evicted from Relationship if he eats GIRLFRIEND’S half of the pizza again while she is sleeping.
- REPOSSESSION OF PROPERTY: If either party abandons the Relationship, the remaining party is authorized, at their sole discretion, to dispose of any and all of the abandoned personal property, including but not limited to clothing, appliances, furnishings, decorations, fixtures, and equipment. These can be disposed of on Craigslist, the dumpster, or in a public display of anger.
- TERMINATION: After the expiration of the leasing period, this agreement is automatically renewed from month to month, but may be terminated by either party giving to the other a 90-day written notice of intention to terminate in addition to either sufficient money for therapy, an online dating membership, or the equivalent in booze money. ENGAGEMENT immediately terminates the lease and a rent-to-buy agreement would need to be established.
Please sign on the dotted line, babe.