Tips And Tricks For Enjoying The Eclipse

1. Unplug your microwave, turning it so that the side with the retrofitted coaxial port now faces you.

2. Carefully insert your coaxial cord into the port.

3. Now connect the other end of the cord to your vertical deionized tanning bed, making sure all UV bulbs have been removed and replaced with coated plasma conductors.

4. You should hear a hum as the two machines recognize each other and synchronize.

5. On the microwave keypad, enter the numbers 06,08,1918 (15:56) in the time panel and 46.7162N, 122.9543W into the coordinates panel.

6. When you are sure you are ready to enjoy the eclipse, put on your Solar Eclipse Goggles and press ENTER on the microwave keypad. Step into the vertical tanning bed, being sure to connect all safety belts and completely close the latch on the inside of the lid.

7. Brace for travel. Increased heat, intense light, and whooshing noises are normal.

8. Once travel has concluded, there will be a stillness, followed by three beeps.

9. Open the door and take in your surroundings, noting the “old-timeyness” and lack of modern technology.

10. Congratulations. You have been transported to Washington State, where you will witness the total eclipse of the sun on June 8th, 1918. Woodrow Wilson is president and you’ll have no idea how he feels about the eclipse because there is no Twitter. In fact, he’s had multiple strokes since taking office and the country is none the wiser. Enjoy!

Bonus: Travel to Scotland and convince a six-year-old Mary Anne MacLeod of the myriad benefits of convent life.


Image: NASA Goddard Space Flight Center