I’M A GOING-OUT TOP, BITCH!
Girrrrlllll! Yessss! It’s me, your favorite going-out top from college!
I’m made out of the most shiny, bar-friendly material in the world: 100% polyester. It’s almost like I’m made of silk, BUT I was $12.60! GORGEOUS!
I go with anything as long as it’s CUTE! Those white short shorts? Yes! A flirty spandex skirt? Yes! Jeggings with heels? Fucking. Yes.
I hold a whole outfit together even when you lose your earrings or maybe a shoe. I got you!
If the light is low and the air is dank, get me IN.SIDE. Shots bar, sports bar, heaven n’ hell bar, old timey saloon bar, vaguely tropical bar, anywhere with a fog machine and an aesthetic that makes you FEEL wasted. Everyone knows 100% polyester looks best in 80% darkness!
I’m in pics from 18 ragers. I’ve watched you drink 4 Long Island Iced Teas in less than an hour. I’ve face planted on a blue Jello shot. I’ve been there when the bar bathroom was out of toilet paper, and I didn’t give a FUCK. Oh, and we drunk dialed Ben together! He hung up! But hey, you probably forgot about that and don’t think about it at ALL when you’re having trouble sleeping! LOL I don’t!
My favorite days are Friday and Saturday! But SURPRISE my favorite night is Thursday because of the half price double vodka sodas at Barflys! I loooove how it smells like four generations of puke and regret in there!
My LEAST favorite day is Monday! Morning! So while I appreciate being out of the closet for the first time in 4 years, I don’t appreciate this time (9:30 a.m.) or place (office park?) I’m starting to think I’m only here because all your other clothes are in various states of unlaundered.
You may not have noticed, but I pit out, like, so fast. Which is totally cool for near-darkness but totally stressful for your 2 p.m. presentation. SORRY!
I’m also GREAT for cleav but horrid for one-on-ones with your boss. So you may want to reschedule til your oxfords are back from dry cleaning…
And, okay, who am I here with? Not my dear pal jeggings but my strange/serious colleague grey wool slacks. Sorry, but we have nothing in common, we’ve never met before, and he keeps calling me “blouse?” What? I’m a GOING-OUT TOP, BITCH.
Anywayssss thanks for hanging out but you owe me like 4 shots.