Buy a Longer iPhone Cord

It has not been surprising to watch the self-care movement, which originated in radical activist circles, become perverted by capitalism. In our society of millennial narcissists, business opportunities pave the way to personhood. I am not here to critique this or cast blame on those who find pleasure in lugging their Chase Sapphire Rewards Cards from Brandy Melville to Chipotle and back again. I am here to offer a simple self-care tip of my own.

Image: Michael Theis

Buy a longer iPhone cord.

The iPhone cord that comes standard with an iPhone measures a stubby one meter. For comparison’s sake, one meter is also the length of “the blade of a longsword” and “4 pieces of paper, A4 format, two of them lengthwise and two of them crosswise,” according to Quora. The average battery life of an iPhone 6, according to, is two days, although it is not specified what that means. The average battery life of my iPhone 6s is about four to five hours, and when I went to the Genius Bar to inquire about this, the Genius told me that I shouldn’t use the Kindle app as much. Fuck you, Genius!

So, a little math problem for us. If the length of the “complimentary” iPhone charging cord is one meter, and my iPhone battery lasts four to five hours, and my bed is about 1.2 meters from the nearest outlet, and I am positioned to look at my phone while it is plugged in at a 45-degree angle, what does that give us? The answer is: Fuck you, Apple!

Interestingly, Apple and other outlets sell iPhone-charging cords that are much longer than one meter. Naturally, they cost more than the cord that comes with the iPhone, but less than a new iPhone. Mine, which is the brand Aimus and sells for $5.99 on Amazon (don’t tell me if the Aimus brand is bad I don’t care), was a birthday present from my parents that came adorned with the label “Practical gift — Dad’s idea.” It is the second-best thing my parents have ever given me, after life.

Since I received this six-foot cord last week, things have changed considerably for me. I have less neck pain. My skin has cleared up. I am a better friend. And most importantly, I have read seven psychological thrillers on my Kindle app without my phone dying.

I truly believe buying a longer iPhone cord is the most radical act of self-care with which one can provide oneself in this postmodern era. I am humiliated I did not think of it sooner, and I apologize to my comrades for this failure.