Thanks For Inviting Me To Your Pool Party Despite My Horrific Condition!


Thank you so much for inviting me to your pool party. This is fun! And no, that’s cool, I’ll hold onto my backpack. Due to my condition I need to keep my emergency gauze, pills, and tourniquets close by, just in case. No worries!

You have an AMAZING backyard! It’s just such a shame that my condition keeps me from getting into the pool and splashing around. You know me, I would just dissolve into a jelly-like substance and stick to your filtration system.

Do you have any…more… shade in your yard, perhaps? My condition makes the summer sun feel hot, just scalding hot, so hot I could scream. Could you please direct me to a shaded area so I don’t start screaming? Thanks!

Ah yes, this is better, by your home speaker system. I love this song! But if gyrate even a little bit, I’ll shake up the bugs holding together my skeleton and lose all semblance of bone structure. You know, because of my condition.

No thank you, I couldn’t possibly have a cupcake. Do you have any Mr. Pibb? My condition keeps me from consuming anything but the off-brand soda Mr. Pibb, or the all-new Pibb Xtra. If I eat or drink anything else, my insides turn into a thick, pick foam. If you don’t have any, that’s OK! Just, apologies in advance for my animalistic hunger-pang sounds!

Ooooh, these tiki citronella candles are really nice. Are they scented? Due to my condition, everything smells like a gas leak, and as a result, every apartment I’ve lived in has either exploded or burned down. So don’t ask me to house sit! Ha. Ha. But I love your house!!

How’s David? It’s so great you two are celebrating your 3-year anniversary this month. Due to my condition, I’ll never know what it’s like to have an intimate relationship. The main reason is that I convulse in bed between the hours and 3 and 4 a.m. I am told it is terrifying and inhuman, but there’s nothing I can do! It’s just part of my crazy condition.

Hey, wait, are you guys setting up the karaoke machine later? Thanks to my condition, my internal organs have rotated on a complete 180 so I can actually sing and fart out of my mouth at the same time! I’m gonna kill it!

By the way, where’s your bathroom?

Image: Raphaël Biscaldi via Unsplash