How To Rank Women

An easy guide for men

Image: Michael

Time is money. So what’s the quickest way to identify the numerical hotness of a woman? Draw comparisons. Using science, we’ve assigned 100% accurate numbers to decode beauty for any situation you may find yourself in. Take this handy cheat sheet with you on the go! It easily folds up and fits in your coat pocket so you never have to guess if she’s worth your time or nah.


A 7 in Seattle is a 5 in Philadelphia.

Big Ten Schools

A 4 at Penn State is an 8 at U of Nebraska.


A 3 on Thanksgiving is an 8 on Christmas.

Places of Worship

A 6 in a temple is a 7 in a Kingdom Hall.

Cruise Ships

A 5 on the lido deck is a *9 in an emergency lifeboat evacuation.

*Number adjusted for extenuating circumstances. This may be the last woman you see before you die.

National Parks

A 3 in Acadia is a 6 in Crater Lake.

Civil War Battles

A 5 in the Battle of Fredericktown is a 2 in the Battle of Chalk Bluff.

Dying American Electronic Superstores

A 4 in Best Buy is a 2 in Radioshack.

Sets of Golden Globe-Winning Films Starring Ben Affleck

A 7 on the set of Argo is a 3 on the set of Good Will Hunting.

Golden Girls

Sophia is a 5. Dorothy is a 6. Rose is a 7. Blanche is a 9.


A 2 in the 1970s is a 1 in the 1980s.

Vermont Footwear

A 4 in Tevas is a 6 barefoot.


A 3 on a horse is a 5 on an elephant.


A 3 in the Milky Way Galaxy is a 10 in some galaxy yet to be discovered because I’ve literally never met a 10 on Earth but have to assume they are out there, I guess.

Ali Kelley is a writer living in Brooklyn. She is a 6. Read more on her blog Sleepoverz or follow her on Twitter.