You Need To Be Badass To Be Employed

Image: Casey and Sonja

If you want work in this town, your ass has to be bad as hell. This concrete jungle isn’t for wussies or little goodie bottoms. Nope. Jobs are for those with grit and with an ass so bad the devil will scamper away at the sight of it.

Ever heard of Buzzfeed? Yeah, the fun content monolith where you can find out what your zodiac sign would be if you were a Game of Thrones character living at Hogwarts? Well guess what. You can’t just prance into their offices with a cover letter that says you went to a fancy schmancy liberal arts college and majored in Quizzes. Nope. You have to be a badass.

You might be thinking, well surely I can work up to being a badass at Buzzfeed? Think again, bitch.

Even the interns have to be savvy badasses. There’s not room for your ass to get comfy. It’s gotta be bad on day one.

Buzzfeed isn’t the only place looking for badasses. Check out these highly specialized positions, ones for evolved badasses, if you will.

Nerd Badass
Athletic Badass
Aesthetic Badass
Hottie Nerd Badass

With all these job postings, it’s safe to assume they’re looking to create the next Spice Girls of badasses.

You might be asking yourself, “is there room in the workforce for me? a kindly and hardworking go-getter?” Not if your ass hasn’t stolen a few nail polishes from Duane Reade there isn’t.

Sure, you might be technically sufficient at these positions even if you aren’t a badass. But no company wants an office environment where people aren’t constantly threatening one another in the break room or egging on fistfights in the elevator. Companies want to take advantage of hip new open office floor plans and allow all these badasses to ride their motorcycles around with no barriers (physical or emotional.)

So here’s the deal. Your ass better be bad if you want job security. Your ass better be bad if you want upward mobility. Your ass better be bad if you want to start building a 401k and provide anything for your children.

And if you want any decent health insurance to maintain that bad ass of yours, your ass better be bad to start off with.