Would You Rather Be A June Bug Or June Carter Cash?

A June question to captivate you.

Here’s a pretty good June question to pack for vacation and consider on the beach while your everyday stressors are miles away and your mind is primed for stimulation. Would you rather be a June bug or June Carter Cash? Hmm. It’s difficult because it’s probably the first time, or at least one of first times, you’ve considered the question, so the pluses and minuses may not be at the forefront of your mind. Well. It’s impossible not to point out right away that June Carter Cash was a human. I’m not sure if that’s important to you, but if it is, that’s clearly a check in the June Carter Cash column. If you’d rather not be a human, however — and who could blame you at this point — maybe that’s a check in the June bug column. Maybe you don’t even know what a June Bug is; that could either intrigue you or put you off. I’ll tell you what it is. It’s, I guess, a bunch of different kinds of beetles. Here’s what this website says: “The term ‘June bug’ isn’t a scientifically assigned name. Instead, it’s a common name applied regionally to a variety of different beetle species.” So you’d be a beetle. Beetlejuice. Gregor Samsa. The Beatles. A positive of being a beetle is you wouldn’t have to put up with any of the bad shit happening presently or eternally. Trump, sadness, etc. Widespread hatred. Crushing regret. Rich guys doing bad shit. Opportunities lost. Loneliness. Money issues. How few good things there are to read online in a given day. You wouldn’t have to deal with any of that, as a June bug. You’d just trot along. You’d just be a bug. Maybe that sounds nice to you. I’d be wrong not to point out, however, that you’d miss out on a few things by not choosing the June Carter Cash option. Five Grammy awards, for example. Marriage to Johnny Cash, though I’m not sure how you feel about him. An Academy Award-winning portrayal by Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line. All of the highs and lows of humanity. Are the highs worth the lows? I can’t answer that question for you. Maybe if you don’t think the highs are worth the lows, maybe then you’d like to be a June bug. You sound depressed but, again, who could blame you. Not me. Be a bug. But you could maybe reasonably think that June Carter Cash’s highs were maybe higher than normal highs — though, maybe it’s all relative. Does your fourth Grammy feel as good as your first? Does it even matter at that point, or any point? Is your everyday sadness the same as everyone else’s? Is a first kiss the same level of happiness as a fifth Grammy, if you really like the person? Maybe. I’ll probably never know. I’ll never kiss. Heh. Just kidding. I won’t know because of the Grammy. One thing to remember, though, is June Carter Cash is dead. So, you would be dead — but you would have lived as June Carter Cash. If you were a June bug would you have to live until June bugs are extinct? Good question. I remember arguing in Science class in fifth or sixth grade that specific animals’ became extinct once they, specifically, stopped living. My teacher was not having it. I argued that my friend Tricia’s hamster was extinct because that specific hamster would never live again, so that specific hamster’s being was extinct. The teacher said, no, that hamster is dead. And hamsters aren’t extinct. OK. I knew she was “right” the whole time but I continued to argue because I was I think just a little angry in general. I’m still mad about it now, though I don’t know why. I would argue about it today, given the chance. That teacher was annoying and she was having an affair with the math teacher and everybody knew it. They got married later, after either one or both of them got divorced. (I think.) But what was I saying? Oh. So, if we’re saying June Carter Cash is dead, for the sake of this question, would you have to be alive forever (until June bugs are extinct) if you were the June bug? No. I think if you’re the June bug you sort of inhabit different June bugs at different periods, but you don’t have to live forever. With June Carter Cash you exist maybe in sort of a realm where you don’t know you’re dead, and you replay her life? I try not to get into specifics too much in these and this is why. It’s nebulous. Anyway, in general we’re deciding if we want to be a June bug or June Carter Cash.

So, which is it?