“Let’s Write in Some ‘Twin Peaks’ Stuff,” Says Hollywood Executive

In a message to his staff

The hype over the new episodes of “Twin Peaks” has got me thinking that we need to write in some weird, symbolic crap into one of our upcoming productions. The people “apparently” demand more than just another sequel or reboot, so, okay, let’s take our summer 2019 reboot of Top Gun, because there’s no way we’re not making that, and just throw in some “Twin Peaks” stuff. It’s not that hard. Here’s what we should do:

We can put in lots of curtains in the Fighter Pilot Academy, because they’re flowy and the probably represent the space they are in is transitory, you know, since they’re only trainees a short time. Curtains are big in “Twin Peaks,” so people will know they mean something. Unrealistic? Maybe, but we’re going for weird here, people. We can create a new plane of existence that only cool fighter pilots can go to. It will be shaped like a jet, and will contain their souls when they die. This means once you join the pilot academy, you can never leave. So good, right? Time is meaningless in the grand scheme of things anyways. I should know, I spent twenty years married to a total freak show and now look what I have? Alimony payments.

Anyways, colors mean things, supposedly, so the whole set should be lit green when Maverick Jr. feels greedy, red when he feels lusty, blue when he feels sad. When he is in pain, let’s do a strobe light effect — like a migraine headache. I get those fuckers all the time. Hah, we should overlay a bunch of pills raining from the sky when he’s injured. “try not to get addicted to opiates from your recurring knee pain there Mav!” Ok, maybe too dark. My personal problems are not Hollywood fodder. When Goose Jr. dies, throw on a blue filter and then show a high speed time lapse of a flower wilting and drying up. It will be really powerful stuff.

Hmm, let’s see, what else. Part of their training will just be staring contests from the cockpits of their jets, to see who blinks first. You know, the eyes are the window to the soul kind of shit. The trainees should maybe all wear actual wings once they graduate and become pilots? And I mean real ones, arc angel style. The top gun is reckless up in the air, so let’s put big X’s in the background in each shot he’s in, so the viewers think he’s gonna get killed, but he doesn’t. That’s been done before, but it’s still cool. My daughter Lisa, who just turned 16, says that my “oppression” is like a black cloak that smothers her joie de vivre, so that’s something to take a note of, could be useful here. We should put grim reaper symbols behind Goose Jr., because you know, they represent death. Oh, then we can bring that black cloak into the mix too. Oppressive, death. Yeah, this is good stuff.

I bet we will surely get Tom for more screen time if we tell him this is more of an art house take on Top Gun, as he mentors a young, tough trainee through the perils of subliminal imagery. We’ll need lots of ambient gold lighting on Tom. He’s a god among men there. But the shirtless volleyball scene will still represent latent homoerotic desires. That’s our gold standard.

Well I’m spent, but I think I just came up with some great updates to keep current with the times.

Later, comrades.

Melissa Pelletier spends a good deal of time in the “Twin Peaks” Subreddit, theorizing what’s going on in the new season. She’s written for McSweeney’s, National Lampoon, and writes a technology column for Education World.