Bodysuits: An Inquiry

Consulting a computer for advice on underwear

Screenshots: JC Penney

The year is 3027. An alien excavator sifts through the remnants of a human civilization destroyed by unharnessed greed. One of their tendrils uncovers an odd garment with a single thin strap of fabric extending below a bigger piece of fabric, which has two other fabric flaps for the containment of what were likely human limbs. The wide holes might have been for the human cranium or bipedal legs, but this textile artifact will likely remain one of the universe’s great mysteries.

The year is 2017, and that alien is me every time I pick up a bodysuit. Wonderment. Alarm. Confusion. Possibility. The need to learn. I’ve seen a woman in a bodysuit maybe twice in person and many times online, and I always have several questions I want to ask– but most of these questions are too personal. Thus, I have chosen to investigate this trendy fashion piece on the computer, an early precursor to the race of A.I. that will soon take over for retail salespeople anyway. Power on: Beep boop beep boop, question and answer machine.

CB: Good evening, Computer.

Computer: Good evening, Caitlin.

CB: Computer, do you wear underwear under a women’s bodysuit or is this a commando deal?

Computer: Many girls do not wear panties under their bodysuits, as it is considered similar to a one-piece swimsuit.

CB: Okay. So can I swim in it?

Computer: No. Because it’s not an actual swimsuit, its will not dry like a swimsuit. This poses a risk for jock itch or a yeast infection if worn wet for extended periods of time.

CB: Wow computer, they don’t put that in the ads. So if it’s underwear, do I take the whole thing off when I use the restroom? Seems like a real rigmarole.

Computer: Some bodysuits have buttons along the crotch, which is still more rigmarole than standard panties. However, if the bodysuit doesn’t have buttons and is more akin to a traditional leotard, instructions are to push it out of the way.

CB: We’ve all pushed something out of the way to urinate once or twice, that’s no big deal. But what if it’s #2?

Computer: Answer filed under “common sense”: remove whole bodysuit before a bowel movement. WARNING: do not defecate in bodysuit. This poses high risk of shame.

CB: All right computer, if you’re so smart: how do I style one of these bodysuits with my over the shoulder boulder holder?

Computer: It depends on how the bodysuit is cut. If it is a deep V-neck or backless, employ chicken cutlets or hang loose. Note that if you hang loose, there is a requisite ideal breast size — not too big, but also, not too small.

CB: Ideal breast size. What else is new, computer?

[I laugh]

[Computer beep boops]

CB: Can you search for bodysuits that would flatter me?

Computer: [searching, searching: result]

CB: Computer, that’s just a regular turtleneck. It’s summertime.

Computer: I know it’s summertime. Because you last searched “how to tell if my freckles are cancerous,” I have selected this in accordance with both your skin cancer risk and body shape.

CB: But I want that flawless tucked-in look. My shirts are always coming un-tucked.

Computer: That’s because they’re on backwards.

[shirt is in fact on backwards]

CB: Sneaky computer. Can I get a quick probability on wedgies?

Computer: Again, it depends on the bodysuit’s cut and how much you walk, run, or cartwheel while wearing, but I calculate a 97% probability, or Very Likely status that you will experience a frontal and/or back wedgie in this clothing item.

CB: Can I lower the wedge factor with larger butt coverage?

Computer: Indeed. But lower risk of fabric in the buttocks is proportional to higher risk of fabric seam visibility, otherwise known as VPL. Adjust bottom clothing choice accordingly.

CB: Bodysuits sure are complicated, computer. Maybe I could buy one and cut it in half?

Computer: Point defeated, inquiry complete. Entering energy save mode.

[Printing Analysis. Please wait.]

Conclusive Analysis: Don’t swim in it, do unbutton it, do push it aside, don’t poop in it, do have the right-sized breasts.

Noted risks: Fabric in buttocks, potential UV exposure

Suggested Course of Action: Turtleneck