BB CreamGate: A Conspiracy Uncovered

Is it really that different from foundation?

It’s hard to tell; they’re so different.

The makeup industry has been scamming me personally for years. I can stroll into any establishment that sells makeup and drop a swift $90 on three items, know I’m getting ripped off, but come back the next week and repeat the cycle. Why? Because I love it. I care for it. I gather up my money, wrap it up in a pretty bow, and throw it in the face of any makeup brand with a new product and some hella dope packaging. I will always come back for more. I mean seriously, what in God’s name is a highlighter stick supposed to do? I don’t know, but I own three.

I’ve been hearing nonstop chatter about BB cream and CC cream and tinted moisturizing cream and whipped cream and creme brûlée; so I was just assuming everyone was talking out of their — excuse my French — assholes, because clearly they are all the same thing. All of it is foundation, right?Apparently not, and people staunchly insist it is different. BB cream isn’t foundation, it’s BB cream for God’s sake!

Normally I would jump on this makeup bandwagon so hard my spine would compress — buying BB cream in every shade ranging from ‘Extremely White’ to ‘Still Pretty White, But You Got Some Sun When You Went to Florida’. But not this time. This is where I’m drawing the line. You can sell me on practically anything; I have an entire custom-made eyeshadow palette made of 6 shades of pink, because the pinks are all different and some pinks are more casual and other pinks are work-appropriate, but some pinks are good for a night out! I’ll buy pink eyeshadow all day. But you cannot convince me that BB cream isn’t just the same goddamn thing as foundation. It’s not happening. Not this time.

Let’s flesh (haha) this out a little bit, because I need you to understand how outrageous BB Cream Mania has become. We’ll start with the dictionary definition of foundation that I made up: foundation is lotion that doesn’t go on invisible, but instead is tan or whatever so that it matches your skin tone. Then you rub it all over your face so it looks like your skin is nice and doesn’t look like a cracked highway after a blizzardy winter. If you’re sweaty then you take powder that is the same color as the foundation and slap it on your sweatiest parts until it looks like you aren’t sweating anymore. Simple enough…

…until the hype started around BB cream, and I thought Wow! I wonder what it does? And I learned it was just a colored lotion thing that you’re supposed to rub all over your face to smooth it out. I know, jaw to the floor moment, right? Sounds oddly familiar, doesn’t it? Almost as if it’s the same thing as foundation. Oh, because it is.

It’s the biggest commercial scam since the beverage industry made Pepsi and Coke and marketed them as two wildly different drinks (DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME ON THIS, THEY ARE BOTH COLAS). Pepsi and Coke, BB cream and foundation, Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan — they’re all just two sides of the same coin.

I decided to do some investigative work myself and see what my friends and family thought and, much to my dismay, I discovered they’ve all already been brainwashed by the Big BB Cream Corporations.

Test Subject A: My Friend and Self-Proclaimed Makeup Aficionado

Sheer? But what if I just… don’t put on as much foundation? Problem solved.

Test Subject B: My Boyfriend Who I Accidentally Texted

They even have him convinced.

Test Subject C: My Mom

‘Bob’ cream’? When will it end?!?!

Test Subject D: My Brother’s Girlfriend, a Makeup Artist

The most persuasive answer I received, but I’m still not convinced.

Test Subject E: My Mom Again

Like at the beach!

Well guess what? I can wear foundation at the beach and be just as miserable as I would be in BB cream. At the end of the day, I’m still putting a layer of tinted crap on my face, no matter how you slice it.

Perhaps by this point you’re wondering why the Makeup Kings would slap a weird name on foundation and market it as if it’s new. Well the answer, my friends, is $$$$$$$ (money). All you have to do is come up with some fancy new adjectives and pop a higher price tag on it and you’re in business! If you can stomach it, take a look at the price difference between Clinique’s BB cream and foundation.

The BB cream is $10 more than regular foundation! For what?! Their foundation even has SPF which makes this situation all the more confusing, since according to half of my test subjects, SPF was the main defense in BB Cream V. Foundation. They’re the same product and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. And don’t you DARE let anyone charge you more money for the same shit.

If there were truly a difference between the two, don’t you think everyone I texted would have all had the same answer? There would have been a definitive “BB cream is X, and foundation is X.” It’s because there is no difference; none whatsoever. Instead, everyone seemed to flip through a dictionary and pick out the first keyword that sounded like a good answer, i.e. ‘hydrating’ or ‘SPF’ or ‘beach’. I could practically hear the panic in their voices. They don’t know the difference either.

If I haven’t convinced you yet that everything you rub on your face is foundation and life is a lie, then let me throw one more wrench into the mix. SEE BELOW: an Instagram ad for a product called “elixir”. It has three… vitamins?… and SPF (shocker) and it is

Tinted. Lotion. That. You. Rub. On. Your. Face.

So BB cream is for the beach, and elixir is for twirling in dresses. Take my money! TAKE IT!

And so here I am, blowing the lid off the BB Cream myth. Join me in boycotting this useless, Capitalistic nonsense and just buy normal foundation, since it’s exactly the same thing.

Revolution starts now.

Brittany K. King lives in Chicago and avoids saying the word ‘gyro’ out loud.