Are Melons Good?

The answer may surprise you.


Here is something I want to ask you on a warm Friday afternoon before a summer holiday weekend while I’m thinking about potentially opening a beer if you’re sort of catching my drift: Are melons good?

It’s a fascinating question. (Please nod in case Silvia is watching.) I used to be sure the answer was no, because of how bad they’ve always tasted, like wet vegetable cardboard, but: maybe are they good? To be clear I’m talking about honeydews and cantaloupes, not to name names — I’m not talking about, like, a watermelon. Watermelon is fine, though I do know some people who disagree. I like when you get a watermelon margarita at Talde and there’s a big slice of watermelon on the glass and it has a lot of salt on the one side. I wish I had that right now! But I’m talking about honeydews and cantaloupes.

A quick Google of “Why are melons so bad” brings up a few interesting results. (Please nod again.) “That Honeydew Melon Looks Good, but Does Anyone Eat It?” asked Josh Barro for the New York Times in 2014. I don’t know, but I’ll tell you in a minute about whether or not I just ate one and whether or not it was good. There’s a piece from SPOON UNIVERSITY, oh my god, it’s that thing where you see something once and then you see it all the time, called “Why Honeydew is Obviously the Worst Fruit.” (Again this is not something that I’ve read I’m just telling you what came up on Google.) There’s a Chowhound post that I love called, “My cantaloupe tastes like nail polish remover. Anyone?” Hm. Anyone?


Anyway. Yesterday I purchased a fruit salad on the internet to be delivered to me at home, which is none of your business, and when it arrived I was saddened to see it comprised exclusively cantaloupe and honeydew. I’d ordered it specifically because it was listed as “berries.” Incredibly rude. It reminded me of the time I went to a restaurant and ordered french toast with a “fruit compote” and the fruit compote was bananas. Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? I put the fruit salad in the fridge and today I tried the melons out of desperation.

They were…

If you can believe it…

I would never lie to you…

Especially about melons…

They were…


Sometimes when you tell people that melons tastes like wet vegetable cardboard they say something like, “oooh, no! they’re soo sweet!” Yeah right. Eat my dick, yeah right, those people make me so mad. Liars. “I love making my own nut milk and actually melons don’t taste like wet vegetable cardboard.” Except these melons did taste sweet so maybe they weren’t lying after all! Just willfully ignoring the fact that most of the time they taste like a wet vegetable, and only sometimes they’re sweet, which does make it, actually, a lie, so nevermind they’re lying.

I couldn’t believe how good these melons were. Sweet. Refreshing. Incredible. However, a quick Google of “Why are melons so good” brings up no immediate results regarding melons actually tasting good, instead only a number of results about whether or not they are good for you. So that combined with my lived experience leads me to believe that I haven’t been missing out on too many good melons because they’re not that good most of the time.

So. The answer to “are melons good?” is: