I’m Gonna Go All Age of Enlightenment on Your Ass

An open letter to Congress

Hey you, scumbag,

I saw you the other day, at Congress, talking a whole buncha shit, and voting for one craptastic idea after another. You’re rich and old, you’re trying to hit the brakes on equality and scientific progress, because you don’t make money from those causes, and you don’t fucking care in the long run. Well, it’s time for drastic measures and this crazy bitch has just the approach in mind. The Medieval period may have had its moments, but instead of stooping to your level, making big noise about torture, dungeons, and flagellation, I’m gonna give you a taste of something really scary. I’m gonna go all Age of Enlightenment on your ass.

I will turn this place into 18th-century Paris so help me God. Voltaire has nothing on my ability to discuss a society based on reason and scientific progress. Boy, if you aren’t careful I will grab you by the collar and discuss the separation of church and state with you so hard. You will wake up and find yourself in the middle of a public square, and your orator, me, will use the Socratic method so aggressively, that a sense of harmony with the democratic process will just wash over your old, wrinkled ass. Which is an experience that will probably feel completely alien to you, Congressman.

Oh! When you least expect it, we are going to write down a pro and con list of the concepts of liberty, progress, tolerance, fraternity, and equality! I’ll give you a paper and quill, and we’ll do this shit old school. You will weep the ideals of our predecessors when I’m done with you! You will feel the wrath of my logic blast you back in time, 300 years ago, to a time when we built the foundation for progressive thought. It was already built motherfucker! We don’t even have to work that hard! It’s all there, in the primary sourced history books! We’re gonna create another primary source right now, that time I totally pounded you with good ideas for how to run a democracy.

You’re afraid of progress because your too comfy in your selfish old man chair? I’ll give you something to be afraid of: a woman who will never stop yelling scientific ideals and concepts at you until you are a broken man, on your knees, begging to install a solar panel on every rooftop! You have taken this shit too far. All this global warming denial, romanticism of the good old days where women and minorities knew their place and didn’t speak up. Tut tut motherfucker! The pendulum swing has turned this era into a modern Dark Ages. You know what cured the Dark Ages? The motherfuckin’ Age of Enlightenment.

You better check yourself before you get blasted with logic and reason.


A Crazy-Ass Bitch

Melissa is a writer and editor from New York who would like to have a few stern words with climate change deniers. She is a contributor for Education World, and her humor has been featured in National Lampoon and Robot Butt. Follow her on twitter @TheyBredRaptors.