I Wore Nothing But Chunky Sweaters For A Week
You won’t believe what I learned!
When I first got this assignment I was skeptical about the outcome of a weeklong fashion experiment. How much does wardrobe really matter? Could a sweater change my life? I was eager to find out! So I gathered my favorite large sweaters and also burned all my pants and headed out into the world.
I normally shy away from bright colors but this pop of blues, oranges, and greens helped brighten my spirits on a gloomy day. I think that’s why it was so easy for me to hail a cab. And boy am I glad I did. I was freezing my buns off! And to add to my good luck, the cab driver didn’t even charge me for the ride. In fact, he GAVE me money. Have you ever heard of a cab driver giving the passenger money!? This made me think: maybe wearing a bold print not only brightens your spirits but also those of the people around you. Fortunately, I had the rest of the week to test out my new hypothesis.
I usually don’t spend any time thinking about my outfit before I head out to get my morning coffee. But this morning I put on a chunky purple sweater and threw off my sweatpants before heading to the local coffee shop. I didn’t expect anything outside of my typical quiet morning routine, but you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many morning commuters stopped to say hello! Some people even took my photo! Just goes to show you: to turn heads all you have to do is throw on a fun sweater and rest your genitals on a park bench.
Although I had great luck with my previous two sweaters, I was feeling uncertain about my choice for today. This sweater was REALLY bold and also I missed wearing pants. But I was committed to seeing this experiment through. And I’m glad I did, as my luck continued! Normally, it’s a struggle finding a free bike in the morning but as soon as I got to the bike stand, the crowd cleared! Some people even took video while I chose the best bike. This made me realize how silly I was for worrying about my sweater. People LOVE a fun print and watching you rub your naked anus on a public bike.
It’s almost spring but there are STILL some snow banks in my neighborhood. After receiving so much love and so many calls from my neighborhood watch, I thought on my last sweater day I’d give back to the community. So I bought a snow scraper and went up to a stranger’s car and got to cleaning. Reader, you’re going to flip when you hear what happened next. The owner ran out yelling AND not only did he thank me for cleaning his car, but he also GAVE ME HIS KEYS! He was speaking so quickly but it was something like, “I’ve got a wife and kids… she will never believe I’m not having another affair.” I didn’t really understand how that applied to me, but his gesture was loud and clear. He was giving me his car!! Look guys, I can’t say for sure that my cute read sweater is to thank, but bright sweaters have been the constant during this whole experiment, that and no pants.
In just four days my sweater experiment is over and I’ve learned so much! Who knew that a simple change in your clothing could garner so much attention and good will. Although I think I’m going to return to more neutral tones, I did burn all my pants, so I’m still Donald Ducking it until I get a new pair. And I have to say, life feels breezy!
Natasha Vaynblat is a comedian in NYC. Follow her parody fashion account and check out upcoming performances at www.natashavaynblat.com