My Goal Weight
1. “She’s actually really nice once you get to know her.”
2. Having to wear a sweater outside at 3 p.m. in July.
3. Strangers stopping to ask where I got my jeans.
4. A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow wearing no makeup.
5. Technically dead.
6. People being surprised to find out I read a lot.
7. Having a full bush.
8. People asking, “Are you OK?”
9. Seven green juices with no apple, lemon or ginger.
10. Jennifer Aniston’s left thigh.
11. Healthy toddler.
12. Two Soul Cycle candles (unlit).
13. Not needing 25 blow job tips to drive my man wild!
14. “I actually had a really big lunch.”
15. An upside-down broom (brand new).
16. Men hitting on me with the line, “How did you get funny?”
17. My grandfather coming back from the dead to tell me I’ve lost weight
18. Having to block a lot of people on Instagram. (A lot.)
19. “Honestly, you don’t even need makeup.”
20. One of Angelina Jolie’s veins.
21. Everyone asking, “Are you sure everything’s OK?”
22. One small handful of raw almonds.
Mary Cella is a stand-up comedian and writer living in Brooklyn. Follow her on Twitter: @mary_cella.