Astrology Is Fake But Taurus Hates Change

Image: Alma Ayon

Some signs hate change because it interferes with their ability to be the main boss of the world. For example Scorpios. They hate change because it puts them on the back foot, even if only briefly, and forces them to recalculate their ongoing plans for war. Cancers hate change because it makes them Worry, and speculate at length about the resultant sequence of events, and feel sure in their hearts that they will ultimately be abandoned.

Tauruses, however, hate change because they just do. They just fucking hate it, man. Can a cat explain to you why it shrinks from water? Can my friend Caitie’s baby Goldie articulate why she felt sad all day after tasting a mango for the first time? Can I fully account for my feelings re caterpillars, which I hate more than anything else, and which make me sick just to think about? No. A caterpillar has never actually done anything to me. It is just there, existing, having its disgusting feet and its body in segments and being my natural enemy. This is the way a Taurus feels about change. It is simply not for them.

My mother is a Taurus. Like all Tauruses, she is a capable and problem-solving legend who always, always knows what the right thing to do is, and who has a great gift for making me feel like the world is a tolerable place. If you ever feel down about anything, you should phone my mum, because there is no one like her for lifting the spirits. She is smarter than the rest of us put together, and she would be your best friend if you met her. She is also the woman who cried for half a day when my dad changed the covers on the living room sofas. She phoned me and told me that they were too red, and too shiny, and just wrong and terrible in every respect, and that I would not even be able to look at them when I came home. We would all have to sit on the floor. I came home and saw what I already knew: they were just some red sofa covers, about half a shade darker than the originals. I told my mum this, but she would not hear it, because she is a Taurus, and change is not for her.

It took two years of solid trying to get her to stop using a BlackBerry. She views new emojis with skepticism and mistrust. What is wrong with the old ones? What are they trying to pull? She has refused for ten years now to let me throw away a plastic vanity case with Garfields on it. Every time I go home, I try my hardest to put it in its rightful place, the rubbish bin, but she will have none of it. You’ve always had that Garfield case, she says. That’s your Garfield case. I tell her that I don’t need it anymore, at all, and she pretends to understand me but really she doesn’t. I’ve always had that Garfield case. Who am I to tamper with the permanent order of things?

You must introduce change slowly to a Taurus, frog-in-boiling-water-style. This is not about cunning or guile. Their symbol is a bull, after all, and you don’t get a bull to do what you want by being smart. You do it by accepting their nature, and by standing for a long time in a field pulling on that nose ring thing and saying Please. Submit. Please. You will not always succeed. You will say, Mum, we will be leaving for lunch in an hour, so maybe think now about having a shower and that? Maybe do not start making a breakfast which involves you sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly chopping up a papaya and walking with great languor to and from the fridge ninety times and then making tea like five minutes before we are meant to go and saying that you can’t leave until you have drunk the tea and then forgetting about the tea and heating it up again and now we are late and we are sitting in the driveway hooting and you are going upstairs for the third time because you think you forgot your glasses even though they are on your head and we have already had some lols about that.

A Taurus will tell you that such behavior has nothing to do with a hatred of change. They will say that they just like to do things at their own pace, that’s all. They just like to rusticate, and to always know for a fact that they have their glasses and their wallet. No. It is because they bitterly resent change, even if that change is called Being not at home in the afternoon after being at home in the morning, or being not on the phone after being on the phone for actually a very long time. Even if that change is called Not being married to Donald Trump after being married to him for some years. Obviously Melania is a Taurus. Think of all the specific points at which the old gal could have made a break for it. All the times she could have held up her claw and said, Enough. I am pressing on out of here. She didn’t do that though, because she is a Taurus and change is not for her. They all hate it, every last one of them, and they have no intention of letting that hatred be staled by custom. It is just how they are.