How to Self-Promote in Trump’s America And Still #Resist

How to have your march and drink it, too.

Image: Cross-stitch ninja

Long gone are the days when social media was cat videos and photos of sunsets. It’s now a constant stream of protest signs, calls to actions, and links to bummer news. If social media is a representation of yourself, it makes sense to let followers and friends know you are an activist in today’s shaky political climate. But still, how do you share your own personal good news in Trump’s America without seeming like an uninformed, privileged, living-in-a bubble narcissist? Can one inform followers of ICE checkpoints and announce that there’s a sale on pants at Macy’s? Why not combine it? Here are a couple social media tips and tricks to obtain the illusion of being a having-it-all/pussy-grabs-back/woke Feminist and, most importantly, get those validating likes. Stay #informed, be #blessed.

Congrats, you got engaged!

Tell your friends, family, and ex-boyfriends on all social media platforms.
Picture tip: What’s more empowering than a new diamond ring on the hand holding a protest sign during the Women’s March?
Caption trick: That in lieu of a registry, announce that you and your partner are requesting donations for the ACLU. A request for one Vitamix from a rich relative is permitted.
Hashtags: #proposetoprotest #pussygrabsbackandsaysido #thisiswhatafeministcouplelookslike #onevitamixplz #sendalmondbutterrecipes

Hey, you got a puppy!

Consider giving this puppy its own Instagram account. There’s no such thing as too many puppy pictures. Slow down once he gets regular dog looking.
Picture tip: Make a boomerang of your puppy yawning
Caption trick: Name him after one of your favorite Democrat senators, perhaps St. Bernard Sanders or Elizabark Warren.
Hashtags: #wokepuppy #nenverthelessthepuppypersisted #democratsnotdemocat

Cool, you’re single again, lol!

Time to find some bros who respect hoes on Tinder.
Caption tip: “Looking for someone to march with. Let’s see if we march into each other’s hearts along the way.”
Emoiji trick: fist sign (all colors), heart

Pop the sparkling apple cider, you’re pregnant!

Go all out on Instagram.
Picture tip: Capitalize on the times and replicate that Beyonce photoshoot. Either a veil over your head or the gold goddess Grammys look. Please don’t attempt that chair tilt for the sake of your health.
Caption trick: Me and my baby, we gon’ be alright / We gon’ live a good life.
Hashtags: #queenbey #newqueenintown #holdup #sorry

Lucky, you’re in Australia at the beach getting tan!

Make everyone stuck in winter jealous by posting that vacation album on Facebook.
Picture tip: Your hot dog knees in front of the beach, cocktail optional. There’s nothing woke you can really do here without coming off as a little desperate. Writing ‘Fuck Trump’ in sand isn’t going to do anything.
Caption trick: Acknowledge the beauty and reflect. Mention how you hope Trump doesn’t ban borders to this beautiful country. Sad!
Hashtags: #noban #justtan

Wow, you got into business school!

Brag about it on Facebook.
Picture tip: Acceptance letter with all personal information blacked out.
Caption trick: Declare that upon graduation, you promise to work only for businesses who are anti-Trump.
Hashtags: #likenordstroms #orsears

Good job, you had brunch!

Where else? Instagram.
Picture tip: You and your girlfriends’ Bloody Marys with all of your cell phones in the center.
Caption trick: You’re not here this morning to gossip. At least not yet. First, you are going to call your senators and then you are going to talk about Rebecca’s new boyfriend.
Hashtags: #sundayfuncallyoursenatorday #yestobacon #notobannon

Nice, you got a new job!

Post on Linkedin.
Caption tip: Nothing wrong with a slight humblebrag to say that you negotiated your base pay and were ensured you would be paid the same as your male counterparts.
Article links: 10 Top Salary Negotiation tips, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Ted Talk

Good for you, you lost weight!

Pose for it on Instagram.
Picture tip: Gym selfie in your own sweat or photo of you lifting something very heavy at Crossfit.
Caption trick: Body acceptance will be a stronger fight in Trump’s sexist society. You did this for yourself and your health and all beauty comes from within.
Hashtag: #transformtrump #eatclean #belean #fightingthepatriarchymachine #whowantstogoshopping #forequality #whichispriceless

Oh my gawd, It’s your birthday!

Announce it on Instagram because everyone already knows on Facebook.
Picture tip: You doing the star pose in front of your local Planned Parenthood wearing a birthday hat.
Caption trick: Request that it’d be great if your followers donated to Planned Parenthood in your name or Mike Pence’s.
Hashtag: #happybdaytothisfeminist #pissoffpence #4moreyears #illbe4yearsolder #andwiser

And last, you got Susan B. Anthony! on a ‘What Famous Feminist Are You?’ quiz on Buzzfeed! Would you like to post your results on social media?

Don’t post that.

Madeline Hester lives in Chicago now. She’s on Twitter, but mostly Instagram.