How To Host The Perfect Oscar Party

A helpful guide.


The Academy Awards are this weekend. The stars are out and they’re shining, my friends, and they will shine no brighter than on this night, bright as moons. “Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground,” Teddy Roosevelt said, and you know it’s true. “With your feet on the air and your head on the ground,” influential band Pixies said. Wrong idea!!

At the official Oscars website, there is a post called “OSCAR PARTY IDEAS: 7 WAYS TO THROW THE PERFECT PARTY!,” and in the opening paragraph of that post it says, “Start preparing your acceptance speech for Best Oscar Party Host 2017 and check out the full list of nominations for the 2017 Oscars!

That’s what I’m saying now, too — with this.

Here we go.

Get Snacks

There is no such thing as a party without snacks. It’s crazy to me that you can even spell “party” without “snacks,” but you can! The only letters they share are “a” and that’s it! So put nuts in your pockets, or whatever you like, an put a little bottle of champagne in another pocket.

Take Advantage of the Springlike Weather

Oh, mama! Where are we — in Los Angeles, too? Where I live, it’s supposed to be around 60 degrees all weekend. Incredible! Grab a blanket and a light jacket, but not too light. You don’t want to be cold!

Get Outside and Walk to a Park

I don’t know where you live, but I leave near a park and a big graveyard that counts as a park! Or, it’s at least a National Historic Landmark! Walk to whatever park is closest to you, or a farther away one if you feel like a longer walk. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night and it’s your night, too!

Find a Good Spot There

In the park!

Put Your Blanket Down

The blanket is a real party staple and yours has got to go down! Lay it down flat on the ground, anchoring two of its sides with your shoes, which you have removed for comfort.

Arrange Your Nuts and Champagne

People will remember the “mood” of your party so you’ve got to make sure you get it right. Arrange your nuts and champagne in a way that is pleasing. Now we’re cooking with gas!

Take Out Your iPhone

You know you got it! Take out your iPhone from your pocket or purse and check to see if anything new happened anywhere, or if anyone wanted to tell you something, and then —

Figure out How to Stream Most Recent Episode Of “Vanderpump Rules” on Your Phone While You Lie on the Blanket in Whatever Position Is Most Comfortable. I’m Not Sure How to Do It but Maybe Something with iTunes or If You Have Cable and Your Cable Provider Has an App

Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!! My god, Tom! What have you done? And Katie? Katie, are you OK? Katie, I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but, you should…not be drinking.

The End and Have a Fun Party!