Astrology is Fake but Pisceans Love Weed

Image: Shannon Sinclair

I once knew a Pisces who got headlice off a pillowcase in Prague. That was Her Story, anyway. She said she woke up scratching her head with both hands and she just Knew. LICE. Faced with a decision between spending many days dragging little bugs out of her hair with a terrible comb or just shaving her whole head, she went for the latter. Fun! She smoked a massive blunt and had some guy at the Backpackers take all her hair off with an electric razor. She did not specify whether they slept together afterwards but I bet you they did. She did not specify whether he had a tribal tattoo, but I will bet you a hundo that he did.

If this had happened to me, I would have been mortified and enraged. Lice are gross, and I would have taken the whole incident as an assault on my character. The fact that the lice had chosen my head would have meant that there was something wrong with my soul etc. The fact that I had slept with the guy, woken up staring in horror at his sleeve tattoo, would have been irrefutable evidence that I was Bad. This Pisces, though, thought the whole thing was a riot. She told the story to everyone she knew, sitting there with her shaved head and looking somehow like a mermaid. How does a person tell a story about getting lice from a pillow and make it sound cool? Ask a Pisces. I ended up thinking that people who contracted lice were legends, that it showed a great deal of imagination and artistic vision. Obviously, she had a perfect shaped skull, like a princess. The last time I saw her she was happily waving pot smoke out of her eyes and crying with laughter at a picture of Garfield. A full-time legend and a full-on Pisces.

Not everyone can or should smoke weed. Me, for example. I would absolutely love to be a pothead, but weed is unfortunately antithetical to my temperament. Every so often I will give it a go, and then immediately remember why I don’t. It does not chill me out AT ALL. It makes me even more fidgety and distracted than I already am. It makes me feel like this bird. How does a person smoke a ton of weed and not lose it altogether? Ask a Pisces. Ask Rihanna.

There is this great bit in “Absolutely Fabulous” where Patsy is sitting in the back of a limo smoking a cigarette (in my head it is a joint) and she goes “Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool.” This is the Pisces way. Even when they aren’t looking or being cool, they are cool inside. Capricorns and Virgos can smoke bongs all day and all night and maintain their composure, but this is because they are uptight. Loss of control makes them sick. Pisceans are not at all uptight. Loss of control does not frighten them in the least. They are always waist deep in a pool of their own emotions, vigorously splashing around in there, and making stuff up, and they are cool with that.

This is why they are good at weed: their ability to Live In The Moment, their total acceptance of whatever feeling is surging around inside them. In this they are a little bit like Cancers, although Cancers have a rougher time with it, because Cancers have a rougher time with honestly everything in the world. Cancers are owned by their emotions, they are the pilot fish to the Great White Shark of their feelings, whereas Pisces exist in a symbiotic relationship with the shark. This is not to say that Pisces have it easy, but they get along somehow, even when they are crying their heads off over a man with a sleeve tattoo, or singing songs about the rain. Groovy little fish. Even when they are having a very savage time of it, they seem as if they will be OK. Danny Brown is a good example here. If Danny Brown were another star sign, someone would have rung the alarm ages ago. But he is a Pisces and so you just look at him and think OK, carry on. Justin Bieber, also.

A Cancer will tell you they are having a Crisis, and you immediately feel the need to phone their mom. A Scorpio will tell you that things are generally bad, and you find yourself dialling 911. When a Sagittarius offloads on you, you find yourself reaching for a piece of paper that says “THIS IS ALL ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR BEING A COMPLETE MORON AT ALL TIMES.” When a Pisces relays the depths of the trouble they are in, the first thing you think is “That actually sounds a bit fun.” Look at Rihanna. Just drink her in. Don’t you wish you were smoking weed with her right now, and don’t you hate yourself because you know in your heart that you are just not built that way? Yes.