How To Wash Your Hair

(If you’re a woman.)

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You may have heard that “First It Was Overwashing; Now Some Women Aren’t Washing Their Hair Enough.” Oh no. Within that you may have also heard:

  • “‘The truth is, some of my guy clients have been coming in and asking me to tell their girlfriends, wives, lovers to wash their hair,’ said Michael Angelo, a Manhattan stylist and salon owner, who recently tended the locks of Victoria’s Secret models at its Paris show.”
  • “‘Women have been badgered for washing their hair too often, but products are so much better than they were even five years ago,’ she added. ‘If you are using the right products, they will be gentle enough to use daily even.’”
  • “‘Often when a women notices flakes, she immediately decreases shampooing because she thinks she’s too dry,’ said Dr. Francesca Fusco, a dermatologist in New York. ‘But a lot of time it’s dandruff, and cutting back on shampooing will only make it worse.’”
  • “Mr. Robin, who is based in Paris, has also noticed scalp problems at his salon, but he thinks the issue is not under-shampooing but rather that women are not cleansing properly.”

Oh no. Oh, my god. Although it may seem impossible to be alive and have hair, we at The Hairpin — hair experts by name — have constructed an easy-to-follow visual guide for when you want to wash your hair. And here you go, here it is:

Step 1: Get Into Shower

Step 2: Turn Water On

Step 3: Lie Down

Step 4: Float Down Drain And Never Again Think Of Any Part Of Former Life, Eventually Forgetting It Entirely. Feel Initial Sting Of Loss And Then Nothing

The End

You live in the sewer now, or wherever water goes. This will solve a lot of problems in addition to the hair problem. Good luck!

Thanks —