Astrology is Fake, But Aquarians Know All The Secrets

Image: James Walsh

Say you need someone to tell you a secret. You’re not going to do anything with the secret, necessarily. You are just in the mood for one. Perhaps you are bored. Furthermore, you know that you are within striking distance of a secret, can see its vague outline shimmering in the air. You know that if you approach it head-on, it will shy away from you, in the manner of an aloof baby. As with an aloof baby, you cannot approach the secret directly. You have to let it come to you.

Do you know the best way to do this? Be quiet. Sit very still, let the conversation wander idly. As the outlines of the secret become clearer, do not hasten to greet it. Be quiet. Sit still, and it will crawl right up into your lap, in the manner of an aloof baby whose curiosity has finally got the better of her.

I am giving you this advice because I know that it works. I myself, however, have never been able to carry it out, because I am a Sagittarius and not too hot at sitting still or having any patience to speak of. Other signs can do it, though, in the same way that other signs can endure a terrible uncomfortable silence at a dinner party without beginning to speak in a high distressed voice about extinct giraffes or Rasputin or what have you. I hate you all.

Here are the signs who are capable of consciously extracting a secret by this method:

  • Scorpios
  • Aries
  • Geminis
  • Capricorns

Power-hungry young demons, all of them.

Pisces and Cancers can’t, Sagittariuses really can’t, Leos think they can but they can’t, Tauruses don’t know that it’s even a thing, Libras can’t, Virgos have managed it once or twice.

Here is the sign for whom this method comes perfectly naturally, to the extent that they don’t even remember learning how to do it:

  • Aquarius

My best friend is an Aquarius, and the woman is just up to here with secrets. People tell her EVERYTHING. She knows EVERYTHING. She has a memory like a god damn trap. She has been known on occasion to take up a grudge on my behalf, because while I am as seething and unforgiving as the next person, I am also very forgetful. My best friend is not. She is an Aquarius. Yes. Be careful. Aquarians know everything and they see everything and just because they are not using that power to fell purpose, it does not mean that they do not possess it. Scorpios have many of the same gifts, but, as has been repeatedly proven, Scorpios cannot be restrained from using those gifts for evil. Scorpios like to mess with people, and they are all too aware of the abilities they possess in this regard. Aquarians, though, generally have no idea. They mess with people without trying or intending to, in the manner of a particularly aloof and appealing baby. That is just their Way.

They go quiet for three days and their boyfriends are hysterical about it, and they do not notice or care. These things do not come from a place of malice or from a place of wanting the other person to be too in love with them. They come from a place of being an Aquarius. I have seen this. If a Scorpio or a Gemini or an Aries is silent during a terrible lull in conversation at a dinner party, there is a good reason for it. Someone is being fucked with, and it is probably you. If an Aquarius is silent it’s because they are thinking about this, still, or someone at work they believe to be stupid. Maybe they are thinking about an impossible Would You Rather set of questions. Anyone’s guess, really, because they just aren’t going to tell you. They just sit there with their secrets and their wisdom, and they don’t even mind that I was about half way through this article before I even mentioned them by name. That is their Way.

The problem with this kind of behavior, obviously, is that it makes people nuts. It makes them believe all kinds of things, not least of which is that they are deeply and painfully in love with said Aquarius. Maybe they are. Often they are. The further problem is that said Aquarius doesn’t care. Sorry. They do not care. Said Aquarius is appalled when they discover that someone is in love with them, as opposed to Scorpios, who take such tributes as their due. Aquarians don’t understand how something like this could have happened, and they don’t know what the fuck they are going to do about it now, except maybe avoid the person for the rest of their lives. Maybe just move. Set their house on fire.

Deep down, Aquarians only care about five or six people, max, and best of luck to anyone hoping to muscle their way onto that list. It is unlikely to happen, and if it does somehow happen, you will never understand why. That is just their Way.