Advice For Single Men: Don’t Tweet A Lot Or Maybe Ever

This is very good advice, please take it.

Here’s something fun for a Friday that everyone’s going to want to read and that hasn’t already exhausted everyone just from the headline: a thing about Twitter. OK, here we go.

I don’t personally believe one should “never tweet” because I like tweets. Sometimes they’re funny. If you have one (1) funny little thing to say per day, you should say it. I’d like to read it. No one is writing anything funny pretty much ever anymore, so you have to take a little funny thing where you can get it. Everything is so fucking boring and bad now. I hate the Internet and all of the boring writers on it. OK. Anyway. 🙂 Here’s a pretty good tweet my friend Jordan had recently:

Haha. It’s very “Jordan,” if you know him. However, if you don’t have anything good or funny and small to say: please say nothing. In this case I am speaking specifically to single straight men who are hoping to interest women. That is the thrust of my argument.

These are things I’ve heard women say:

  • “I like him! And he never tweets!”
  • “I think I like him…but his twitter is so bad.”

You may think I’ve constructed these quotes specifically to pad my argument for this blog post, but in fact this blog post was born of hearing these quotes over and over from different women and please trust me, what have I ever done to un-earn your trust? You don’t know me personally, unless you do, in which case I am asking you to believe me even though I know I have made mistakes.

There is nothing less attractive than reading anyone’s Twitter account. Little things they say to no one? It’s very insane. Trying to make people laugh? Saying an opinion? Yuck. And of all the Twitter accounts, the worst Twitter accounts are the overactive straight male Twitter accounts. So many opinions. “Here’s what I thought about this article.” Man, I don’t care. “I didn’t like this book.” “I just saw this thing happen.” “[joke]” If you’re a straight male and you already have a girlfriend probably you’re fine, it seems like she sees enough good in you to ignore or gently attempt to curb your Twitter usage over time. But if you don’t I need you to know that there is nothing less attractive to a woman than your terrible Twitter history and I promise you that they are looking and their friends are saying to them “yeah…that’s pretty bad.”

The reverse is a friend looks up the Twitter of the guy you’re telling her about and she says, “He never tweets!” and you say, “I know!”

So that’s dating advice, I guess.


As you can see I sort of lost steam halfway through this blog post, or maybe right at the beginning, but trust me that this is good “dating advice.”

Women can do whatever they want.

Thank you.

I love you!

— Kelly