Candle Review: Jo Loves, Christmas Trees
A holiday edition of The Hairpin’s popular candle column.
Does a candle know it’s Christmastime at all? And is it rude to parody a Christmas song about famine in Ethiopia, even if Bono was part of the song? Two great, unknowable questions. We can only pray to Santa that their answers will soon be found. It’s true, however, that if there were a candle that knew it was Christmastime at all, it would be this one: the Jo Loves “Christmas Trees” candle.
Of course, it says it right there in its name.
Like Jesus, the boy who is — please don’t forget — the true meaning of Christmas Trees, this candle came to me through a bit of divine conception: a friend gave it to me after she got it for free from work and didn’t want it. Thank you to D*yna Ev*ns, whose name I have altered slightly for her (or his) workplace safety.
Here is the description of This Holy Candle, from the Jo Loves website:
Fill your home with the familiar scent of Christmas. Notes of fresh pine weave beautifully together with aromatic lavender, incense and amber to create a wonderfully warm and comforting fragrance.
Damn! That Christmas candle sounds warm and comforting as fuck!!!!!!
But is it warm and comforting as fuck? Let’s see:
DOES IT HAVE A GOOD SMELL?
Hmm. This is difficult. It could be that I’m judging this candle too harshly because people go crazy for Jo Malone candles and my expectations were high. (“Jo Loves” is a line of Jo Malone fragrances, the distinction between which I cannot figure out after minutes of searching. It seems like maybe the scents are less scent-based and more experience-based? I truly don’t know. Jo Malone and Jo Loves have the same price point, so it’s not like it’s a cheaper version. I don’t know.) For example, at one point Beyoncé included a Jo Malone (or comparable) Grapefruit candle on her rider. But — and I hate to be a “Scrooge McDuck” — I don’t love the smell of this candle.
For a candle that is so expensive it’s crazy (it’s not time to tell you how much it costs yet, so you’ll just have to believe me until then; I promise you I am trustworthy), I feel like this candle should smell better than it does. It smells almost good, but far too sweet for my taste. Fresh pine, lavender, incense, and amber should not smell this sweet. If you walked into a Michaels craft store and it smelled like this candle you’d maybe think that it smelled better than Michaels usually smells, but not very far off.
I hate to do this at Christmastime but my hands are tied. The smell gets a non-check.
IS IT A WINTER CANDLE?
Yes! Whew. Christmas comes in wintertime, so this is definitely a winter candle. Merry Christmas.
HOW MUCH DID IT COST?
For me this candle only cost friendship, which is priceless:
But for a normal non-friend this candle would cost: $80!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy shit! Oh, my god. Of course, I’ve spent more than $80 on a candle before (it was also a Christmas candle — I do recommend that one), but I am a truly terrible psycho who has no idea how to keep the tiny bit of money she makes and also that candle was great.
I cannot believe this candle costs $80. It does have a price, however, so it gets a check. But it also gets a shocked face.
IS IT WORTH FRIENDSHIP OR $80?
It is worth friendship. I’ll say that much.
WHAT IS THE BURN TIME?
40 hours, which is a fine amount of hours. Yay.
DOES THE CANDLE BRING YOU CHRISTMAS JOY?
You know, it does. I’ve been harsh on this candle because of its price and because of Jo Malone’s reputation, but it does smell “like Christmas,” and it does bring me Christmas joy. Does it bring me as much Christmas joy as other candles have in the past? We don’t need to get into that in this section. Christmas isn’t for comparing amounts of joy, it’s for experiencing decreased amounts of joy from year to year. In that way, this candle is a perfect Christmas candle. It gets one tiny tree.
DOES THE CANDLE LOOK NICE?
It looks fine.
IS IT HEAVY?
It isn’t heavy but it has a fine weight. It gets another fine.
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS CANDLE TO A FRIEND?
If a friend had $80 that they needed to get rid of very fast because it was evidence that they’d murdered someone and we were at a Jo Malone store and the closest candle to me was the “Christmas Trees” candle I’d grab it and say, “QUICK, BUY THIS CANDLE.”
- Four checks
- Two non-checks
- Two fines
- One shocked face
- One little tree