Astrology is Fake but Capricorns are a Conspiracy

Image: William

They have outfoxed us all. They have outfoxed even themselves. Is there a special kind of name for when a conspiracy goes so deep that actually no one is in on it? People were, at one point. They knew. There were hunched elders who guarded the Capricorn secret closely, meaning to pass it on to the next generation like here, the wisdom is yours, now. And then, I don’t know, something happened. All the elders forgot, or they thought it would be a good joke to keep it to themselves, or there was an explosion like with the dinosaurs. I am not as well versed in the specifics as I would like to be. All I can give you is the bigger picture. All I can tell you is the truth, which is that Capricorns are absolutely out of their minds. They are so crazy in a deep, beautiful way, just demented, and the best part about it is they don’t even know. Only I know. And now you. Let us share this burden. Walk with me awhile.

No wait. Stand still and close your eyes, and think about everything you have ever been told about Capricorns


  • Love to Plan
  • Love to be inside
  • Love to feel anxious and passive aggressive
  • Love to climb with great industry and humorlessness to the top of their chosen career ladder
  • Love to go to sleep
  • Love to ostentatiously wave their hands in front of their face when someone is smoking near them
  • Are boring.

That is essentially the party line on Capricorns, no? Yes. Everyone says so. Even astropoets give them an incredibly rough ride. Hardworking, helpful little goats who are not what you would call Fun but who are very useful to have around nonetheless.

Now. Close your eyes again if you opened them for some reason and picture a goat in your mind. Look at the goat: here are its horns, its little hooves, its little tail. Here it is, climbing unsmilingly up a difficult mountain and briskly eating a hard plant when it gets to the summit. Okay. Look even closer at the goat. Look at its eyes. What’s this? Why, rectangular pupils. Little hooves, little tail, little horns, little nose, little teeth, little eyes, little oh my god rectangular pupils.

This is the heart of the Capricorn mystery, the secret that has been kept so quiet for all these years. They seem so normal, so predictable, but they are looking at through the world through effing rectangular pupils, different from all the other kinds of pupils in this world, and they don’t even know. Only I know. And now you.

Ask a Sagittarius why they did something weird and they will say that they thought it was funny. Ask a Cancer the same question, and they will look you square in the eye and tell you that it’s because they are nuts. Ask a Capricorn, though, and they will just look at you blankly. What do you mean, weird? I don’t do weird stuff, because I am a Capricorn and that is not our way — it says so right there in the literature. What do you mean, “rectangular pupils”? No other sign has such a vested interest in thinking of themselves as rational, organised, and so on. You can’t tell a Capricorn that they have done something which exceeds the limits of what is considered reasonable. They are the appointed guardians of what is reasonable. This doesn’t make them any less nuts, though. The fact that they have never been taught to cultivate their weirdness only makes their weirdness all the more potent. We are not talking about quirkiness, here. They fundamentally distrust wackiness, spontaneity, all that. They find it kitsch. Their strangeness is of a different stripe altogether. Their unpredictability is all the more outrageous because they are unpredictable even to themselves.

You require evidence? Okay. Here is a list of famous Capricorns:

  • Jesus
  • Kate Moss
  • Elvis
  • Muhammad Ali
  • R. Kelly
  • David Bowie
  • Chairman Mao
  • Isaac Newton
  • Chet Baker
  • Many old rappers, such as Raekwon, MF Doom, Grandmaster Flash, Slick Rick, LL Cool J.
  • Andy Kaufman
  • Howard Hughes
  • Al Capone

All very hardworking, very industrious, very good at getting stuff get done. All absolutely off their heads, and no idea. Ever watched an interview with Kate Moss? She always seems so utterly bemused as to what all the fuss is about. The interviewer says Kate, do you remember when you did (any number of wild, incredible things)? And she just says I suppose so? Was that a thing? Bet you Jesus was the same. Bet you Al Capone thought of himself as a Regular Man. Joan of Arc probably just thought she was a very good administrator. All the soldiers falling to their knees when she goes past, genuflecting involuntarily, getting tears in their eyes when they speak her name, and old Joan just like My pupils are of totally normal size and shape. Old Joan just strolling around with a to-do list in the pocket of her armor. Only one item on the list. One word, actually. It just says WIN.

Think about it. Think about the last time a Capricorn of your acquaintance did something bonkers and you persuaded yourself that it was normal, the inevitable outcome of a carefully executed plan. If you yourself are a Capricorn, think about the last time you went thoroughly off-piste. You’re coming up with nothing, aren’t you? It’s not true. Think harder.

Think even harder.

There you go.


This is the Capricorn secret, and it is time we all opened our eyes to it. Time we let the light of knowledge enter our normal-shaped pupils. The wisdom is ours, now, and we must guard it carefully.