Astrology Is Fake But Scorpios Are Extremely True

Image: Joel Kramer

It should be illegal to be a Scorpio. It should be a war crime. It should be a thing that you can only look at a Scorpio from a distance of two hundred meters, and you are wearing protective head gear while you do it. If you are a Scorpio and you are reading this, stop. You are smiling in a way I don’t appreciate. There is this bit in The Old Devils where one of the old devils tells this guy to fuck off. He does it in this very powerful and disproportionately cruel fashion, like “fuck off”, and then after he has done it, he “laugh(s) quietly for a short time, shaking his head in indulgent self-reproach.” That is the Scorpio way. They know that they are terrible monsters and they think it’s HILARIOUS. If you are a Scorpio and you are reading this, stop. Fuck off.

Everyone else needs to keep reading though. Even if you think you know this already, it’s important. This is like when they make you listen to the flight safety demonstration even though you have been on a plane a million times. For those few who have miraculously moved through this life without learning through bitter experience what a Scorpio is, it’s even more important. For those of you who believe you are impervious to their vibes, you are wrong.

Here are some characteristics of Scorpios. (Astrology is not real in the way that facts are real. I know that. I also know that the following applies to every Scorpio I have ever known.) They are intense fiends who love secrets and hate most people. They are complete and utter savages. They are a tiny knife between the ribs. They have to be right and unfortunately they mostly are right. They do not “experience” emotion so much as “be violently assaulted” by it. They are not what you would call People Pleasers. Guys their symbol is a SCORPION. Like, a scorpion. Everyone else is a divine horse or a fish or a virgin, and they are a hard insect with claws and pinchers and venom that is capable of taking out a human being. I don’t know what else to tell you.

Here are some people who are/were Scorpios and it’s perfect:

Sylvia Plath
Brittany fucking Murphy
Marie Antoinette
Scar from the Lion King
Joaquin Phoenix
My cousin Kath

Picture all these people together. Hold them in your mind as a group. Imagine them all at a party pretending that they are normal and that they aren’t going to bite your face off soon, or take you out the back and shoot you, or present you with a list titled YOUR FLAWS and the list is like 6 pages long and the writing is tiny and everything on it is true. I feel like there is still at least one Scorpio reading this. Pls stop.

Here are some people who, bewilderingly, are not Scorpios but they should be:

Anne Boleyn
Malcolm X
Nicole Richie
Sylvia Robinson
Stanley Kubrick

Here are some people who are Scorpios and it’s wrong:


You know what a Scorpio is? A Scorpio is a thin black lion, all rangy and with scary articulated shoulder blades, and the lion has something in its mouth, and that thing is your brain. A Scorpio is when it is very windy at the beach and there is sand whipping all around you. A Scorpio is a huge beautiful eye staring at you through a telescope from the top of a mountain and it can see through your clothes. I sometimes read about Scorpios just to make myself more alert. Like if I am a bit sleepy and vague at a time when I need to get shit done, I’ll just take a fifteen-minute dive into Susan Miller and I am wide, wide awake again.

You know what the worst part is? THEY KNOW. They know how we fear them. They are sitting there right now with cruel proud smiles on their incredible faces, and they know. You know what the other worst part is? We are giving them exactly what they want. They demand to be treated with the cowed respect that they feel is their due, and we are playing right into their hands. Right into their claws. Their pincers. Can’t help it though. Our ordinary human hands are tied. You know what a Scorpio is? A Scorpio is when you sent them a series of texts over the course of twenty-four hours, texts which have become more and more frantic and weird, and they still haven’t read them despite being online all morning. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. People talk about Scorpio season as if it is has boundaries, as if it has a beginning and an end. The truth is that it’s always Scorpio season. Always. It is their world, and we just are just traversing it with bowed head and shuffling gait. It is their land, and we are just wretchedly tilling the soil. We know this. The hype is real. The hype is getting realer by the day. Scorpios are real and true and they will never stop.