Astrology Is Fake But Sagittariuses Are Trying Their Best

Image: charity shopper

Is their best even close to being good enough? Noooooo. Do they notice or care that their efforts frequently fall well short of what is expected? Not really. This is the main difference between them and Scorpios. Well, one of the differences. One of the 10000000000000000 differences. Scorpios are disgustingly self-aware, and know exactly what is up at all times. They know when they have fucked up, and when they haven’t, and they know it much better than anyone else ever could. Sagittariuses, on the other hand, have just no idea. They are about as self-aware as a sophisticated dog. No real capacity for proper self-reflection. A Sagittarius’s idea of introspection is laughing quietly and constantly to themselves at their own jokes. Do not ask them to tell you anything very much about either the future or the past, because they cannot help you there. Really they have just no idea, except a vague sense that probably things will work out for the best, in the way that they usually do.

They look at their achievements and think This seems fine to me. This all checks out A-OK. Literally NAILED IT once again. They are always so effing thrilled with themselves, and with their friends, and their family, and with any old bullshit that presents itself to their senses. They are so, so easy to please. You can show a Sagittarius a picture of not even a very good bird, and it will make their whole day. They will tell other people about the bird for weeks. They will go to sleep laughing about that bird, and bring it up whenever they are allowed. This is both their best quality and their worst: too easy to please, too ready to be excited, too easily distracted by objectively pointless stuff. They are optimists, so they find all these qualities to be fine and charming. Everyone else finds it quite trying. I am allowed to say this because I am a Sagittarius myself, and although we are generally bad at identifying patterns of any kind, I know this one is true.

Here are some characteristics of Sagittariuses, according to the internet and my own opinions. I just want to say here, again, that I know astrology is not real in the way of science. Again, though, this applies to all the Sagittariuses I have ever known:

a) They are extremely impractical and totally cool with this, because what is more boring than anything practical or useful? Nothing! Who will take care of that shit for them? Fuck knows!

b) They are whatever the opposite of a perfectionist is. They don’t want it to be good, they just want it to be done.

c) They also want it to be done now, please.

d) They have a finely tuned sense of occasion, in that they will make a big deal out of just about anything for you if you want. If you got a good kind of juice you like from the shops and you want some affirmation about that, a Sagittarius is your man.

e) They will say the most savage, world-ending stuff in an argument, and then when the other person is sitting there in the aftermath wiping up their brain fluid from where it has leaked out of their eyes, or trying to shore up the blood that is pouring out their nose, and maybe not ready to talk to the Sagittarius for many weeks, the Sagittarius will be confused and hurt. It was just a fight! We all say terrible stuff in fights, don’t we? Just get over it! Let’s go to the movies! You can buy me a soda!

f) No off-button. If you want to make a Sagittarius steady tf on, you need to dart them. You need to study this Wikihow article very carefully indeed:

g) Chaos muppets.

h) There’s more, and a lot of it is Bad, but my self-regard will not allow me to write it down here because that is the main thing about Sagittariuses: they think they are SICK. They think they are good as hell. Their self-esteem is at Ray Smuckles levels, always. If I find out that Ray Smuckles for some reason isn’t a Sagittarius I will be surprised and offended.

Amazing to think we can be so goddamn overjoyed with ourselves when we are fucking up just constantly. We are spending half an hour looking for our car keys when in fact they are in our hands. We are thinking we can just cut ourselves a fringe at home, and we are wrong about that. We are getting our car towed on like a weekly basis. We are not very worried about any of this, thank you.

A Sagittarius is when someone puts up a tent, and there are many crucial bits missing, all the tent pegs got left behind somehow, but it looks sort of basically ok from the outside. It at least resembles a tent. If you blur your eyes. If you don’t make any sudden movements when you are inside the tent. If you move to a hotel and look at the tent through binoculars. A Sagittarius is a big poster that says SHUT UP OK, EVERYTHING IS FINE, ESPECIALLY THIS TENT. A Sagittarius is a ripped-open envelope, torn so hastily that whatever is inside has been shredded as well. I have done this. A Sagittarius is a text message that says “Aw, fuck, sorry.” One that says “Really though, very sorry — I thought it would be ok.”

They are the Golden Retrievers of the Zodiac, a happy dog wagging its stupid tail over everything and laying all your carefully laid plans to waste. Don’t be too mad at the dog, though. It cannot help it. It doesn’t know what the hell it is doing most of the time, but it really is trying its best.