Angela Merkel’s Letters To Santa
A chemistry set, and an end to wars.
1959: Age 5
Good Evening. Your cookie-plate is on the table by the fireplace. Please use a napkin for the Pfeffernüsse.
I have been very good this year. Here is what I want:
- a ball-and-paddle toy
- an end to wars
1960: Age 6
I did a bad thing in March. I was chasing our dog, Dogobert, with a suit-shirt to dress him up so we could do a play-wedding, and he did not like this at all and tried to bite me and ran away for a week. I am so very sorry. Please do not doom me to forever live among the geese, like the poor princess in the story of Falada, The Talking Decapitated Horse!!
If you still bring me presents, here is what I would like:
- The book “The Ancient Archaeological and Sociopolitical History of the Incas,” for fun-reading. It is a big book, so I can also use it as a stepping-stool (very practical)
- A date to the Weihnachten Kinderfest dance
1964: Age 10
I have been very good this year, but Dogobert has been very naughty. Do not bring him any Hundekuchen. Here is what I would like:
- A pair of black socks
- Another pair of black socks
- A pair of brown socks, for fun! (These ones I will wear to PARTIES!!)
1968: Age 14
I have done very well in school this year — please bring me these for school:
- A chemistry set
- A calculator, for maths
- Some peace and quiet, for my studies
1980: Age 26
Thank you for the national team’s football win last year that I asked for. This year, I would like:
- Equipment for my laboratory so I can complete my thesis
- A ticket to “Die Fledermaus” in Stuttgart
- A divorce
1988: Age 34
The things that I want this year are very, very important. Even one of these will make me so very happy:
- A replacement anterior spectrum refraction light for the particle condenser in my laboratory
- The fall of the Berlin Wall
- An umbrella
2008: Age 54
This year I will not be accepting your handouts, as you continue to provide handouts to Russia and refuse to discipline Vladimir Putin. (Last year, you honored his request for a pony.)
While I respect your blanket policy of political neutrality, this year I am opting to forgo your gifts, as accepting these gifts would send the message that Germany condones your tacit approval of Russia’s increasing aggression.
P.S. If, however, you do happen to know where I left my tan blazer-top that has been missing since the E.U. summit, please correspond to inform me where it is — I understand that your intelligence systems are very sophisticated. Germany remains open to collaboration on this matter in the future.
2015: Age 61
Good Evening. This year I would like:
- “Assimilating Syrian Refugees for Dummies” in paperback, so I can bring it to the beach
- Matching reindeer sweaters for Joachim and me
2016: Age 62
I do not know if you will be allowed to fly here in December, as we are tightening our airspace restrictions due to increasing instability in the E.U. and you will not have enough time to apply for a drone license. It will not matter, though, because here is what I would like:
- A plague in the White House on January 21
Oh dear, that was very naughty of me. Krampus will have my head, for sure. Please do not bake me into a bread and feed me to the chickens!!
Here is what I really want:
- For at least one country in the West to remain with common sense
- For the stockings of the U.S. and the U.K. to be filled with nothing but Kohle
Pray for us.
Ali Ruth lives in Washington D.C. More of her writing can be found at Reductress, the Rumpus, and Barrelhouse.