Candle Review: NOTE Fragrances, Scranton in the Fall
A special on-location edition of The Hairpin’s popular candle column.
Who says you can’t go home? Bon Jovi doesn’t say you can’t, and this week I’ve found that to be true — you can. I am home, in Scranton, Pennsylvania. “Like The Office?” Yes. “Like Joe Biden?” Yes. “Actually Scranton, or a couple minutes outside of it?” Enough questions.
Scranton in the fall. Doesn’t that sound nice to you? Maybe if I put it in italics. Scranton in the fall. Ahh, yes. The leaves, the coal, et cetera. And what better candle to celebrate my visit to Scranton in the fall than NOTE Fragrances’ “Scranton in the Fall” candle? Hm? Would a better candle have been a candle whose scent I liked, so the review wouldn’t have to be awkward, because of how I don’t want to be rude? Well. An argument could be made.
NOTE Fragrances doesn’t have a description of this particular candle online, so I called the store and asked what scents make up the candle. A nice lady told me this:
“Green apple, golden pear, cinnamon, and vanilla.”
Ah, yes. Just like what it smells like outside, in Scranton, in fall. Obviously these are four things I would love to smell simmering on the stove for eventual inclusion in a white wine autumn sangria —
— But are they four things I would love to smell in a candle? Let’s see:
DOES IT HAVE A GOOD SMELL?
This is difficult. What is “good”? Is it something that some shitty snob thinks is good, or is it something that smells like a craft store or a nice aunt’s house? Or is it something that’s like if you walk into a place that smells very much like something and you don’t see a candle so you figure the place must have an apple spice air freshener plugged in somewhere and, wow, it’s really working? It’s all very subjective, which is one of the things that is so wonderful about candles.
IS IT A WINTER CANDLE?
While this candle would work for winter in a pinch, it’s difficult to argue against the fact that it is very clearly a “fall” candle. Scranton in the fall, to be exact.
HOW MUCH DID IT COST?
This candle cost $20 and my phone number and birthdate to be included in a points program.
IS IT WORTH $20 AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND BIRTHDATE TO BE INCLUDED IN A POINTS PROGRAM?
This is difficult. Let’s say…if you like the scent of this candle it is, sure, worth $20, yes. 🙂 As far as the points program goes, I received a text message telling me to respond “Y” to confirm that I’d signed up for it. I did not respond “Y,” even though that was a lie — I had signed up for it.
BUT ISN’T IT TRUE THAT THE INFORMATION WAS TECHNICALLY TAKEN UNDER DURESS BECAUSE OF HOW KIND THE STORE LADY WAS BEING TO YOU, AND THAT THAT NULLIFIES YOUR LIE?
DOES THE CANDLE LOOK NICE?
It looks fine. Unfortunately, fine does not count as “nice.” The rules of reviewing candles are very strict and sometimes quite painful.
DO YOU ALREADY OWN ONE OF THESE EXACT CANDLES BECAUSE YOU GOT IT AS A GIFT?
BUT IS IT IN BROOKLYN?
WAS IT WORTH IT TO RE-BUY THIS CANDLE IN ORDER TO DO THIS EDITION OF CANDLE REVIEWS?
Hmm. Seems like this one isn’t going particularly well, no.
IS SCRANTON IN THE FALL NICE?
Yes, Scranton is very beautiful in the fall. There are lots of trees and also mountains with trees on them. The trees have colors that are like if you saw a painting of trees in autumn and thought to yourself, “these colors are too much. Tree colors don’t get to be this nice — anywhere.”
IS IT HEAVY?
Yes! It has a nice weight to it, yes.
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS CANDLE TO A FRIEND?
I was dreading this question. I’m just going to rip off the BAND-AID®. I would not recommend this candle to a friend.
CAN PEOPLE LAUGH AT THE IDEA OF A “SCRANTON IN THE FALL” CANDLE IF THEY ARE NOT FROM AROUND HERE?
BUT NOT VERY MUCH, BECAUSE FUCK THEM, WHERE ARE THEY FROM THAT’S SO GOOD?
- Nine checks
- Four non-checks
- One smile
- One lie