Do You Want To Read The Saddest Thing In The World?

Image: Louis Esparbès

This article is about 700 hundred times sadder than it needs to be. The headline, which is pretty sad, gives almost no indication of the true bummer that awaits you. The headline also, can I say, is not very good. It makes you think that the article is about “these men” when in fact the focus is mostly elsewhere. The focus is on Buddy and his wife Francie, and it is so sad you won’t believe it. It is maybe too sad for you to read, but I read it by mistake and now you have to also. I don’t make the rules — I just abide by them. I didn’t invent this terrible world — I just live in it.

These men stole an endangered penguin and released him. Officials say he may not survive.

Oh my God, Buddy. Stolen from Bayworld oceanarium. Oh my God, Buddy and his wife Francie. Oh my God, what a place is this life. You have read the article by now, and so you know how sad it is, but let us waddle together through some of the highlights.

1. First of all, what is more of a sadder name for a stolen penguin than Buddy? BUDDY. It speaks of such cheeriness, such bravery! It makes you think of a small and tough kid with a cap on. Please imagine Buddy with a cap on right now. Please imagine the reserves of cheeriness and bravery he is going to need, in order to survive this ordeal.

2. He is probably not going to survive this ordeal.

3. “It was Buddy’s first time in the sea.” Already this is very sad. Buddy is already a penguin who has never been in the sea and this is Too Much.

4. “He is likely to die there, officials say.” Well.

5. “Officials say the men who freed him likely doomed him.” OK.

6. Do you think, as I do, that the above sentences pitches this whole thing into the realm of metaphor? Like, are we not all Buddy in some sense? Given freedoms far beyond that which we need or want or are able to cope with? Don’t you think we are all at the mercy of idiots with good intentions, a bit?

7. Yes.

8. Buddy “is completely ill-equipped to survive in the wild. He will have no idea where he is.” Oh my God, Buddy. With his little cap on.

9. “Buddy had already paired with a female penguin, Francie, according to the BBC.” Enter Francie, which is also a very pathos-laden name, I think. FRANCIE. Francie is the name of a cool lady with nice glasses on who works at the movies, maybe. Francie is also the name of a penguin who has just had her whole life ruined.

10. “Buddy and Francie were taking turns sitting on two eggs.” They loved each other so hard.

11. “One of their chicks has hatched, and another died.” Seems excessive, on top of everything else.

12. “And now, Francie has to do the work of both parents.” Well.

13. “If we can’t get Buddy back,” Bailey told the BBC, “we will try to pair (Francie) with another bird, but it may not be successful.” OBVIOUSLY it will not be successful, Francie and Buddy were in LOVE and you don’t stop being in love just because someone threw your husband in the sea.

14. Budddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy