Why Not Ten-Ball Soccer?

O jogo bonito…dez!

Image: Filter Forge, Flickr; Art: Kelly

Why not ten-ball soccer? I had this idea yesterday. Soccer is normally played with one ball, and each goal is worth one point, and all of the players are extremely hot. In the “ten-ball” version of the game, soccer would be played with ten balls, and each goal would be worth one-tenth of a point, and all of the players would be the same amount of hot, for fairness.

This isn’t a tiresome complaint about how soccer is boring, even though soccer is boring and also lasts for an amount of time that is almost crazy. I’m not some idiot. I’m not going to write a blog post complaining about how soccer is boring, like some goddamn simpleton who doesn’t understand what is and is not a hackneyed complaint about a boring sport. This isn’t “a joke.” This is just a good idea: ten-ball soccer.

Playing soccer with ten balls instead of one does two things very well: increases action (kicking, goals) and preserves the low score (0–1, 1–2) that soccer fans crave. Where do you even look on the field when there are ten balls? There are so many places to look, and not knowing quite where the most intense action is going to happen will be part of the fun. “Did you see that?!” you can imagine your friend saying. “No — but did you see this?!” You both saw something good, and had individual experiences.

One thing that could happen, also, is players could attempt to unite to score a “decalcitrāre,” which is a Greek and Latin combination of a word I’ve created to mean “ten kicks.” You would see this move very rarely and it would always be very exciting. In this move, each of a team’s ten field players obtains a soccer ball and they all line up to kick all of the balls into the goal at once. “Surely the goalie would be able to block some of the balls, in this scenario?” you’re wondering, snobbishly. Yes, ugh, jesus christ, yes, and that is part of why it will be so exciting when a team executes a perfect decalcitrāre. Of course, they will rewarded with a full point.

Also there will be far fewer penalty shootouts, because the scores will be less like 1–1 and more like 1.3–1.2. I don’t even know why there are penalty shootouts now; it seems like there must be a better way to handle a tie.

So that’s my idea.