What Your Preferred Yogurt Brand Says About You
Are you more of a Stonyfield or a Dannon Oikos?
In your book, there’s nothing better than a healthy BM and/or a made-for-TV movie starring Jamie Lee Curtis (ideally when enjoyed at the same time).
You regularly use the word “zeitgeist” in conversation.
You went to a free yoga class at the Y one time and use this experience to justify your penchant for watching Netflix in Lululemon pants. You dream of one day making an açai bowl that is truly worthy of Instagram.
You want all the benefits of Activia without the…immediacy.
You are 7 years old.
Dannon Light & Fit
You are unfamiliar with both Instagram and açai bowls.
You really liked those commercials with John Stamos.
Dannon Oikos Triple Zero
You are also a fan of Dove’s “Men+Care” line.
In your younger days, you sold tie-dyed T-shirts at Phish concerts and minored in something like Buddhist Studies, but then you made the wise decision to settle down with a cute app developer and have twins named River and Bodhi.
After returning from a semester abroad in Italy during college, you annoyed the hell out of everyone you knew by enunciating words like “spaghetti” and “Buca di Beppo” within an inch of their lives. Also, you got kind of mad when you read that HuffPo piece on yoga and cultural appropriation.
You are a stoner. Remember the ’90s?
You are too poor for Chobani.
You are possibly a therapist and were definitely hip to the probiotic scene before Gwyneth Paltrow was.
You are possibly German and definitely like jelly doughnuts.
Every year or so, you work up the confidence to try and assemble a piece of IKEA furniture, and every year, you fail miserably. Also, you thought it was kind of cool that the label said “yoghurt” instead of “yogurt.”
Oh My Yog!
What is this?
Your house smells like vitamins.
While your Red Dye #40-loving contemporaries will probably end up dropping out of middle school and suffering from crippling addictions to meth and/or scratchy lotteries, you will, at the very least, graduate from a lesser Ivy and eventually become the proud proprietor of your very own vitamin-scented abode.
You are a 7-year-old stoner.
You have exactly one “going out” top in your closet, and you got it at an Arden B. going-out-of-business sale. You have either a very small dog or a very fat cat, and you actually kind of look forward to reading water-stained back issues of Real Simple in your dentist’s waiting room every six months.
You look good in sneakers and have a great laugh. You also probably know how to tie more than one kind of knot.
365 Everyday Value Organic
You’re doing pretty well for yourself by most people’s standards, but here at Whole Foods, you’re kind of poor. Better hide that tub of lowfat maple vanilla with some Amy’s frozen dinners before you see someone you know.
Claire Christoff grew up in a Yoplait household and now eats Chobani. Follow her on Twitter: @clairexoff