You Are Not Allowed To Eat Bananas In Public

You know exactly what will happen if you try.

Women face a lot of challenges. We make less money than our male colleagues and suffer sustained attacks on our reproductive rights. And we are not allowed to eat bananas in public.

This is deeply unfortunate because bananas are delicious, and they’re good for you. One of those perfect foods or whatever. Because bananas are so perfect, you might want to eat one on the bus or while you’re walking down the street. It could be a great mid-afternoon pick-me-up.

But this is not possible.

Yes, we have made progress. We can vote. We can work. We’re entitled to a college education, if we’re reasonably rich or willing to go into debt. But our banana-related rights are still under constant attack.

If you eat a banana in public, men will take it upon themselves to say things like, “Mmm, I like watching you eat that, baby,” or “I bet you’re really enjoying your banana, sexy.” Alternatively, they might say, “Ooh, you look like you’re pretty good at that,” or “Yeah, take that whole banana.”

If you eat a banana in public, at least one man will stop whatever he is doing and make it crystal clear to you that while you may think you’re eating a piece of fruit that really helps you stay regular, that piece of fruit is not a piece of fruit — no, it is in fact a penis, his penis, and you are shoving it into your mouth.

We need to fight for the right to bring our banana consumption out of the privacy of our homes and into the wide world. So how can you deal with banana-related harassment? Here are some ideas:

· Respond to banana-related comments with something like, “You’re so vain, I bet you think your penis is a power food,” or “I love bananas because I am descended from the great apes.”

· Stealthily place your banana peel in the pathway of a man who has harassed you and wait for him to slip on it. This classic comedy staple never disappoints, and if you’re lucky, he might break both of his legs.

· Roll your eyes extremely far back in your head so you look like a banana-eating zombie corpse your harasser will deem terrifyingly unerotic.

· March straight up to your harasser and proceed to summarize the plot to Woody Allen’s 1971 film Bananas until he gets uncomfortable and walks away.

Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day, ladies, we will be allowed to eat bananas in public. In the meantime, please consider joining your local chapter of Women Again Fruit-Based Misogyny. We hold monthly meetings at churches and community centers, and bananas (and occasionally banana bread) are served.