Ill Wishes For Your Most Banal Needs

Curses For Valedictorians

  • May no one remember if your honor is better or worse than salutatorian.
  • May your college not recognize your AP credits
  • May your peers value athleticism over academia.

Curses For Beauty Queens

  • May they be asked about policy reform
  • May someone else be wearing their swimsuit
  • May their talent be more of a party trick

Curses For Mascots

  • May you have an itch in a deeply unreachable place.
  • Should you be able to do a back flip, may you never be acknowledged for it outside of the suit.
  • May an actual animal take your job, as you once took their job.

Curses For Girls With Bangs

  • May their bangs inexplicably part down the middle, Alfalfa style.
  • May their thigh tattoos be off center.
  • May the origin of their bangs be an emotional breakup, and nothing more.

Curses For Men Flying Business

  • May Excel unexpectedly quit.
  • May you be pinged during takeoff or landing.
  • May your points not transfer.

Curses For Eric Clapton’s Guitar

  • May no dads be in the vicinity to gawk at it.
  • May everyone think Les Paul Standard is a hotel in France.
  • Should it be auctioned off, may its new owner be lecherous old man trying to find a new hobby after his third divorce.

Curses For Apartments With Exposed Brick

  • May there be no furniture arrangement that prominently features the brick.
  • May the presence of brick add $300 to the monthly rent.
  • May no visitors admirably say, “Ooh, exposed brick!”

Curses For Whimsical Girls

  • May your flower crown wilt.
  • May someone have already covered your favorite rap song on the ukulele.
  • May no one ask if your dress is vintage.
  • May you one day have to sell real estate.

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer and comedian at Funny or Die. Follow her at on Twitter @kadyrabbit.