Ill Wishes For Your Most Banal Needs
Curses For Valedictorians
- May no one remember if your honor is better or worse than salutatorian.
- May your college not recognize your AP credits
- May your peers value athleticism over academia.
Curses For Beauty Queens
- May they be asked about policy reform
- May someone else be wearing their swimsuit
- May their talent be more of a party trick
Curses For Mascots
- May you have an itch in a deeply unreachable place.
- Should you be able to do a back flip, may you never be acknowledged for it outside of the suit.
- May an actual animal take your job, as you once took their job.
Curses For Girls With Bangs
- May their bangs inexplicably part down the middle, Alfalfa style.
- May their thigh tattoos be off center.
- May the origin of their bangs be an emotional breakup, and nothing more.
Curses For Men Flying Business
- May Excel unexpectedly quit.
- May you be pinged during takeoff or landing.
- May your points not transfer.
Curses For Eric Clapton’s Guitar
- May no dads be in the vicinity to gawk at it.
- May everyone think Les Paul Standard is a hotel in France.
- Should it be auctioned off, may its new owner be lecherous old man trying to find a new hobby after his third divorce.
Curses For Apartments With Exposed Brick
- May there be no furniture arrangement that prominently features the brick.
- May the presence of brick add $300 to the monthly rent.
- May no visitors admirably say, “Ooh, exposed brick!”
Curses For Whimsical Girls
- May your flower crown wilt.
- May someone have already covered your favorite rap song on the ukulele.
- May no one ask if your dress is vintage.
- May you one day have to sell real estate.