A Few Pitches For National Treasure 3

The world needs that third installment in the franchise

Even the Articles of Confederation took a few drafts to write. (Photo: analynnc/Flickr)

I love the movies NATIONAL TREASURE and NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS, because my three favorite things in the world are America, treasure, and hot young men (Justin Bartha) in glasses. It has been nine years since a National Treasure film was released; the third is apparently in a script-related delay. I would like to serve my country by jumpstarting the writing process.

We finally learn what was on page 47 of the Book Of Secrets: a crossword in the margins of the Northwest Ordinance reveals there’s a bunch of emeralds hidden in what is now Chicago. Nic Cage is forced to kidnap former Chicago resident Barack Obama, who agrees not to press charges if he is allowed to use the movie to plug healthcare.

A riddle contained in the newly designed but not yet released $20 bill alerts Nic Cage and company to the fact that Harriet Tubman hid millions of dollars of stolen Confederate treasure along the route of the Underground Railroad. Everyone is really forced to confront their white privilege. There are three separate scenes where Justin Bartha falls into a big hole.

Diane Kruger realizes that if you read the Federalist Papers backwards, they reveal the location of a famous shipwreck. Nic Cage carries a torch for the entire movie, even during when it’s fully light outside.

A map on the back of the Articles Of Confederation leads the gang to Devil’s Tower in northern Wyoming. “Oh, this is the place from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind,” Nic Cage realizes. Justin Bartha hasn’t seen that movie, so Nic Cage spends 5 minutes explaining the plot.

Donald Trump accuses Ted Cruz’s father of being involved in JFK’s assassination. It falls to Nic Cage to discover the truth. The movie ends with Trump and Cruz drowning in a secret underwater palace on Cape Cod.

In a rediscovered recording of the Fireside Chats, Franklin Roosevelt reveals in pig latin that his relative Teddy Roosevelt hid a massive amount of gold somewhere, but got blackout drunk and forgot where. The search takes the gang to the first National Park, Yellowstone. It turns out the gold was inside Old Faithful, where it has long since melted.

Nic Cage’s father gets kidnapped by Nazis while searching for the Holy Grail. The journey to get him back leads the gang to the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, where a Grail Knight challenges Nic Cage to identify the true grail. “Sorry, I don’t know shit about Jesus,” Nic Cage says. “I only love America.”

A film that’s just four hours of the joke structure “The real national treasure is…”

The gang goes to Frijoles Canyon in New Mexico. Nic Cage notices some petroglyphs that lead to a vast Puebloan treasure. They decide that turning this whole thing into a movie would be cultural appropriation, so they leave.

A note hidden inside the Bible used to swear Jimmy Carter into office reveals the existence of a huge cache of historical documents on the moon. Justin Bartha spends 15 minutes trying to convince Diane Kruger that the moon landing was filmed on a soundstage.

90 minutes of Justin Bartha taking his glasses on and off.

Blythe Roberson is a contributor to The Onion, ClickHole, and The New Yorker.