How To Be There For Your BFF After She Murders Someone
The 5 Things You Can Do To Help!
Talk about friend draaaaama! Over frappuccinos at the ‘Bucks one afternoon your BFF — the Abbi to your Ilana, or the Thelma to your Louise if you’re gross and over 26 — breaks into tears and tells you she murdered someone. “What should I do?” she sobs. “Should I go to the police station?” Clearly she’s going insane, not to mention totally monopolizing the conversation. (You have problems worth discussing too! Jesus.) It’s your duty as a best friend to help her get her over this slight bump in the road. Here’s how:
Distract Her With Compliments
Remember she’s feeling really bad about herself right now because of her immoral actions, so boost her up where you can. As she tells you about stabbing her victim repeatedly in the lower abdomen point out how nice her eyes look when they’re moist with panic tears. Also… has this whole murder situation taken away her appetite? Cuz boy is she looking super skinny today! Make her feel like murdering someone is a secret beauty trick that only she’s stumbled upon. If Gwyneth Paltrow knew spilling blood could give her super soft skin she’d be doing it too, right? Your BFF will feel so good about her appearance she’ll forget all about the charred blackness of her soul.
Don’t Side With The Dumb Victim Who Totally Deserved It
Sure he may be the underdog of the situation, but being a best friend means always supporting your best friend. Also, clearly your bestie is an amazing goddess and the rando guy/long-term boyfriend she violently stabbed to death was probably a real asshole. Men! They’re the worst! Thank god we ladies have each other.
Help Her Hide the Body
Yes, you’ll have to wake up before sunrise on a Saturday morning, drive out to a secluded forest, and carry a dead body hammock-style at least five miles, but think of it as a fun fitness challenge! Bonus: After the deed is done you can treat yourselves to a relaxing spa day thanks to the money you saved by not brunching. (“Mimosas are really cheap!” — said no one ever lololol #omfgwhathavewedone) It’ll be such a fun, productive day you’ll wonder why you guys don’t bury bodies in the woods every weekend.
Cleanse Her Soul
This is a biggie. After all, your BFF did commit a cardinal sin. She’s going to need a deep cleanse before she can go back guilt-free to her normal life of solo zoodle dinners and hanging with you. Luckily, we have the perfect recipe: Combine four cups Spectrum National coconut oil, two cups Trader Joes coconut oil, and the Holy Bible in a large bowl. Stir thoroughly. Light some candles and rub the oily bible all over your friend’s naked body while she recites ten positive affirmations. Conclude the cleanse with a tiny bow and a “Namaste.” Congrats, you’re absolved! Time for you guys to order some Thai takeout and watch a rom com! Everything’s back to normal. So, so normal. Yay!
Don’t Ever Think of the Body Again
What body? Exactly!
Lauren Bans is a great best friend and a TV writer living in Los Angeles.