A Few Reasonable Suggestions For The Upcoming Season Of “Gilmore Girls”
by Demi Adejuyigbe
The way news travels in cyberspace, I’m sure you guys have already heard a thousand times by now, but it bears repeating — they’re back! They’re finally back! I’m admittedly a more recent fan of the series, so I hope Im not the one to break it to you, but I’m totally with you in the excitement of it all! The old characters we know and love (but haven’t seen since the mid-2000s) are coming back for a currently-limited series, and I can’t wait to see where they are now, especially Luke. Do you think he ever got married? Who knows! But I’m very excited to see the next chapter of their story when Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits theaters this Christmas.
Also, Gilmore Girls is coming back for a short thing on Netflix. Here are some new, updated stories I propose for the folks of Stars Hollow:
• Tensions rise in the Gilmore-Danes household as Lorelai wants a grand affair of a wedding, and Luke wants a smaller one. Rory offers to plan the whole thing, but an off-hand remark from Emily makes her worry it’s not quirky enough for Lorelai in the 11th hour.
• When Richard passes away, Emily continues as if she’s fine. Rory leaves work to console her, but Emily takes her on an unaffected shopping spree. Lorelai tries to cajole her into coming to terms with her feelings, but she doesn’t truly break down until she hears “Wedding Bell Blues” in a Best Buy.
• Sookie is asked to perform on Iron Chef, and initially turns it down, thinking it sacrifices the integrity of her craft. But when one of her former sous chefs pops up on the show without giving her credit for his career, she takes it personally and challenges him head-on.
• Rory and her small team of reporters are sent to Myanmar to report on a conference. When unrest strikes, she is forced to seek refuge with Theo, a handsome but prickly reporter who might soon prove to be a fitting romantic interest.
• Paris runs for state senator and is told she’s losing in the polls because of her abrasive nature. She tries to be more palatable to voters by appearing on Ellen, only to explode into a rant when she’s asked to do the nae-nae.
• Hep Alien signs to Sub Pop Records, only to realize that means their music is all available on Spotify. While Brian and Zach think it’ll mean more exposure, Lane and Gil are wary, and worry that Spotify might mean the band makes less of a profit in the long run.
• The Festival of Living Art returns to Stars Hollow, and Taylor fights as the festival board insists on video games being counted as an art. Kirk gets stuck in the Master Chief helmet from Halo. Babette has an allergic reaction to the material on her Princess Peach costume.
• Kirk is marrying Lulu, and he wants Luke to be his best man. His brother Dirk (Sam Smith) shows up to throw him a bachelorette party, but Luke worries he’s got ulterior motives to get Lulu back. Kirk performs Gangnam Style down the aisle, but leaves the cap on his video camera.
• Rory takes Emily to Coachella for the first time to bond. Rory has a miserable time as she keeps running into Jess, while Emily is having a blast hearing EDM for the first time. The hologram ghost of Trix performs alongside headliners Korn.
• Rory downloads Tinder for the first time and accidentally swipes right on her old boyfriend, Jess. He messages her, but she’s afraid to open it. Mrs. Patty quietly dates a series of middle-aged men in the background of the episode.
• Selena Gomez is playing a Stars Hollow festival this year, which means the town is packed. Rory is egged into reporting on the festival live on Periscope. Luke makes a fortune selling Selena Gomez “themed” foods at the diner, based on song names he Googled. Hep Alien enters a contest to open for her. Lorelai struggles with her mortality when none of the millennials understand her jokes about the short-lived 1996 series Homeboys In Outer Space.
• Lane helps Mrs. Kim make a Youtube vlog and she manages to gain an audience for her fun rants about religion. Lane is frustrated when she can’t gain as big of an audience for her rants about “immigrant parents be like.”
• Paris files a lawsuit against the newspaper run by Doyle when a writer’s piece unfairly slanders her and her political campaign.
• Jackson starts feeling useless when Sookie subscribes to a monthly vegetable subscription service that brings fresh veggies to their door. He starts an agriculture podcast to fill the void, but Sookie starts feeling slighted when his podcast, “Talkin’ Stalk with Jackson,” overtakes their relationship.
• Richard rides one of those self-balancing wheelboards. Just that. For 90 minutes.
• When the Huntzberger newspaper empire comes crumbling down, Logan rents out his apartment to Michel on AirBnB, who uses a loophole in the renter’s contract to throw lavish parties for his dogs. Dean’s second wife leaves him when the Google Maps street-view car catches him coming out of a brothel.
• An anonymous blogger writes a thinkpiece to get Rory fired from her job for an accidental offensive remark. The clip gets autotuned and memed into exhaustion, and Rory learns the downside of fame.
• Luke installs HBO in the diner, and crowds (let by a bloodthirsty Kirk) gather to watch the latest episodes of Game of Thrones. Parents (let by an eerily childless Taylor Doose) simultaneously protest Luke’s for showing such a gratuitous show in a public space.
• Google Fiber comes to Stars Hollow! Sookie become irritable once she can’t figure out why her Wi-Fi isn’t working. At the end of the episode we realize she was actually mad because she was pregnant again.
• Lorelai loses her sex tape in “the cloud.”
Demi Adejuyigbe is a 23-year old comedy writer who lives in Los Angeles with his 17 children, all of them imaginary. If you asked him to pick which one he loved most, he’d say he couldn’t choose. You can send him photos of dogs in birthday hats on Twitter at @electrolemon.