The Freelance Diet and Exercise Program
Are you looking to get in shape? Trying to slim down or “fit up”? Have you recently decided to stop treating your body like a garbage can labelled “Pizza Only”? Well done, you disgusting slob! I’m excited for you. We at the Monica Heisey Centre for Freelance Fitness and Like A Good Diet Too I Guess are all excited for you.
But what’s a day in the MHCFFLAGDT life like? What can you expect from the program, aside from RESULTS? Why tell you, when we can show you:
9AM — 11AM
2 hrs sit-ups. By placing your alarm clock just out of reach and slightly above your bed, you’ll be doing hundreds if not thousands of sit ups daily, simply to press snooze! The more crunches you want to do, the earlier you can set that alarm you know you’ll never, ever pay attention to.
Make a green juice (200 cal.)
Instagram a green juice. Remember: it only takes two minutes to Google “what is spirulina,” but you can tweet about consuming it for up to six hours! It’s important to keep your personal brand in shape, too.
Breakfast of Champions: bread. Just bread. (200 cal.)
10 mins Walking, to coffee shop. Jogging can be substituted for walking if you’re an advanced practitioner of the program or if you saw someone across the street you don’t want to talk to. Drink one cup of whatever is hot (literally) and cool (figuratively).
5 mins Abdominal Crunches from laughing at own joke about what if the bat signal was for butts, i.e. a “butt signal.”
10 mins Sweat Therapy. Read email from parents asking about stalled payments on loan from last year’s taxes. Flip between personal banking tab and the email, slowly levelling up resistance to the idea of paying them back at all.
1:00PM — 1:30PM
Craft a “To Do” list. Include “love myself” as a task and check it off first.
Begin actual day’s work.
15 mins Web-Based Hypnotherapy. Get approximately five or six pages deep Googling celebrity lunch descriptions. Wonder if it’s possible to ever get tired of grilled chicken breast and steamed vegetables. Wonder if you have either. Get hungry.
Lunch of Champions: bread (400 cal.)
10 mins Stretching. Focusing on core groups such as hamstrings, quadriceps, and The Truth. Do some light yoga while on the phone to your parents, telling them you’ve been saving up for a mutual fund. Feel a warm calmness radiate through your body as they say, “Monica, please, $500 instalments every two weeks, like we agreed. And your sister told me you bought shoes.” Namaste.
Google “mutual fund.”
20 mins Cycling. Cycle through Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, and several Deep’n’Meaningfuls on Gchat before beginning actual day’s work.
10 mins Walking. Leave house in search of any food that is not bread. Advanced practitioners can add a high-impact cardio workout by finding out that the cute barista with the tattoos knows your name.
Return with a different kind of bread.
Begin actual day’s work.
Survey what you’ve done: a short story called “Buttman Saves Gotham” and a listicle about different ways to enjoy scarf season.
Antioxidant Therapy. Consume between 2 and 5 glasses of red wine (0 cal.) (There’s no information on the bottle about this.)
Romantic Interlude. The preferred fitness tracking app of the MHCFFLAGDT does not recognize sexual activity as exercise, to which we contend, “why’s it got the word “active” in it, then.” Instead input between 3 and 30 minutes of “general dancing” plus a few tricep exercises (from high-fives).
Dinner of Champions: toast (600 cal.)
1 hr Wait Training. Spend 60 minutes contemplating the multitude of cheques and direct deposits you have been promised for your work but so far have not seen. Check and re-check the spreadsheet you made that time. Wait.
Light post-dinner snack. Consume whatever is left in the fridge, cupboards, and convenience store across the street (approx. 1500 cal.)
Check blood pressure by Googling ex’s name + “success.”
1.5 hrs Light Therapy. Work on your secret shame novel in the dark, illuminated only by the healing glow of your laptop.
Sleep well, fitness warrior. Tomorrow is another day.
Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. This is an excerpt from her first book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, which is now available in the United States.