The Best Nails Are Long Pointy Nails

Last night, as I was paying too much money for an elective cosmetics service at an aggressively cool nail salon, I got one of those compliments you don’t know is a compliment until you hear it: “so you got a gel manicure, aaanddd…” the receptionist said, trying to tally my purchases as she squinted at my freshly painted nails, “…acrylics? Extensions?”

No!!! These are just my naturally long and terrifying nails, I told her, beaming with pride.

Photo evidence:

They’re not even that long, I don’t think? Whatever, this is pretty long for me.

Long, pointy nails are, in my weird opinion, the best looking nails. I mean, as long as your nails are clean, who cares what color or shape they are, not everyone is as obsessed with painting their nails as I am and I respect your choices!!! This opinion is largely shaped (heh) by the fact that I spent a long time loving the look of long nails and being literally unable to have them: when I worked as a makeup artist they had to be short, because, duh, you’re touching people’s beautiful faces all day and you can’t accidentally scratch them. When I worked for a magazine, I spent most of my day packing subscriptions and orders by hand, ripping open boxes and tearing off strips of tape and carrying very heavy packages to and from the post office, so they could be long but paint would flake off easily and very sadly.

Long nails filed into a clean point are like stilettos for your hands. I don’t wear stilettos. Or even heels. But the basic principle is the same, I’m sure: the look is elongating, for one, a pointed end being the best way to trick the eye into seeing a longer, leaner shape. The sound they make as you tap your nails on a table or type a weird blog post about nails is as satisfying as the sound heels make on a wooden floor. And, like stilettos, most men fear and respect them. After getting my nails done I met a friend for dinner and to show off, duh, and he raised his eyebrows when I demonstrated how sharp they were. “You better watch out,” I joked, but I was so serious.

I’ll probably recant all of this when I accidentally stab myself in the eye taking my contacts out. Until then, please accept my sincere and enthusiastic endorsement for letting your nails grow ridiculously long so that they might please your aesthetics, improve your overall look, and perhaps cause grievous bodily harm.