Short Profiles Of Candy Mascots
by Alexandra Molotkow
Loving simpleton, cursed with a heart that won’t harden.
2. Willy Wonka
Beloved in his lifetime but dead for many years, which is why you only ever see his hat. Weekend at Bernie’s type scenario in reverse, except his treacherous employers live in fear of his resurrection.
3. Everlasting Gobstopper
Replacement star for the cooler, more authentically advertised molecular gobstopper in the film. Thinks often of Willy and hopes to die.
4. Tony the Tiger
Accepts his lot in life. Exceptional work ethic, intensely private.
5. Toucan Sam
Erratic and inscrutable, seems privately content but communicates in word salad. Colleagues worry he’s being exploited.
6. Lucky the Leprechaun
Incredibly mean. Despise each other, bond through acts of cruelty. Fond of threesomes. Yellow quietly suspended once (replaced with foxy female M&M;) for spitting on an autograph seeker.
8. Kool-Aid Man
Totally mysterious, never socializes, rarely seen outside of advertisements, much too close to his employers. Rumors he does double duty as an enforcer, torturing mascots seen as troublesome. “Visit from the Kool-Aid Man” is a popular expression meaning to come to harm.
10. Sour Patch Kids
Not actually kids, but another type of thing no one’s ever heard of, the way sea monkeys are.
11. Jelly Belly
12. Sugar Bear