Recent Shower-Based Grooming Rituals, Ranked

7. Shaving body hair.
Ughhhhhhh shaving is so borrriiiiiiiinggggggg let’s not do it anymore.

6. Sex and/or sexually-charged co-showering.
This is a terrible shower activity. Why sex-havers persist in this myth that showering together is a cute thing to do, I’ll never know or understand. Jk. I’ve had some cute shared showers. But like, as a practice, you must admit it’s flawed; depending on the difference in height and the risk/slip factor, actual intercourse is almost impossible and probably deadly. And unless you have one of those super fancy showers with two heads the water distribution is going to be completely off and one of you will be shivering constantly and that is…bad.

5. Shampoo.
I use shampoo once a week and it’s very satisfying to lather it up and then watch it run down the drain. I give shampoo about a B.

4. Exfoliating.
Goodbye forever, you dumb dull old skin cells!!! HeLlLllooOOOooOo cute fresh new skin cells, hey nice to meet you, thanks for being a layer that protects my insides from the gross outsides of this planet.

3. Imaginary conversations.
As we’ve discussed, the shower is a great time and place to have an imaginary conversation. I like to think it’s because you “lather up” your brain with all your thoughts and then you “rinse” your brain when you step out and resume your normal, non-imaginary conversations of the day.

2. Shower body lotion.
Ok, I don’t want to oversell this product, but in-shower body lotion is probably the smartest and best thing I’ve ever bought in my life, it has totally revolutionized my life and the appearance of my legs in particular. You know how shaving is so so dumb? I hate shaving because I tend to get little red bumps on my legs, and sometimes I feel like you can see the roots of those dumb follicles, and it’s just gross and I hate it. But in-shower body lotion seems to both moisturize very well and seal the pores of whatever layer of skin it’s applied to, which makes my legs look all smooth, like they’re in some dumb lady razor commercial.

1. Hair conditioner.
Looks good, smells good, feels good, class act all around.