Bloodfeast: Bachelorette Mug Cake
by Marie Lodi
Greetings, my sweet Menses Maidens. My horngriness usually calls for snacks of the salt and the savory varieties, but today I have put on my baking mask (a.k.a. a hockey mask with a printout of Martha Stewart Scotch-taped to it) to make you a sweet ‘lil dessert. It’s rare for the sugar demon to possess me, but when it does, I usually want cake. Fuck your pastries, sashay away from your pies, I don’t care if it’s nobody’s birthday — just GIMME DA CAKE.
Thankfully, the gods of Pinterest heard the cries of the lazy (me) and have invented the beauty of the mug cake. It’s a simple way to get your sweet tooth on when you don’t have the time to go full-on Suzy Homemaker status or when you can’t even be bothered to pick up one of those single slices of “bachelorette cakes” at your grocery store. Making one of these is so much more satisfying than eating a whole sleeve of Oreos (something Oprah apparently did one time back in the days when she used to get stoned.)
You’re welcome, ovaries!
What You’ll Need:
¼ cup self-rising flour
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons Nutella
2 tablespoons Speculoos Cookie Butter (feel free to use ALL Nutella if you prefer)
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon chocolate chips
Your favorite mug
Combine all ingredients in a small mixing bowl except for the chocolate chips. Whisk until mixture is as smooth as a hairless cat. Grab your mug (mine has a special Photoshopped image of me and famed celebrity bachelor, LOS JOHN STAYMOIST.) Pour mixture into mug, not filling more than halfway, otherwise it will spill over unless you’re INTO that kind of thing. Throw in chocolate chips.
Microwave on high for a total of 1.5 minutes. I start with one minute, then checked to make sure nothing was suspicious and put it back in for the remaining 30 seconds. Watch in awe as your cake starts to rise in your mug like a boner in the mist. When finished, check to make sure cake is fully cooked by inserting a toothpick in the center. If it pulls out clean, you are good to go. You should now have a moist, gooey cake. Top off with a scoop of ice cream or some fancy-ass gelato. Prepare for the sugar rush. I feel so high right now.
Previously: Bloodfeast Blondies