Beauty Tips Inspired By The 1996–1999 Television Show “Millennium”

by Alexandra Molotkow


Banish zits for all eternity
By starting a cult. Operate out of a call centre and have your followers sell hair products. If a follower’s sales rates begin to stagnate, have the others administer several hits of LSD and drive him to an abandoned lot. They should eject him from the car and encircle him in their vehicles while blaring Cypress Hill’s “Insane in the Brain.” Emerge in a plague mask and throw him into a human-sized microwave. Make a paste from his ashes by adding water. Apply to problem areas after your regular cleansing routine.

Dewy, dumpling-soft skin
Gag, blindfold, and tie your victim to a chair. Paint a number on the wall behind them. Start a cam feed trained on their struggling body. Include a site counter. When the number of visitors to your website matches the number on the wall, step before the camera in an executioner’s hood and slit your victim’s throat. Dab the hood’s interior with aloe, chamomile extract, and argan oil to lock in moisture.

Show-stopping eyebrows that radiate sexual competence
Attend open houses and hide inside the dwelling until the family returns. Murder the parents in front of the child. Stuff the child into an air vent and leave her for the police to find. Draw an arch that follows the brow bone and peaks at the border of your iris. Flatten hairs with lotion before plucking.

Hose the oatmeal! Taut, rubbery legs for summer
Kidnap young men and hold them captive in an abandoned farmhouse. Make them listen to Paul Mauriat’s “Love Is Blue” on endless loop. Beat them as necessary, then soothe them with your womanly touch — only you know you’re not really a woman, but a manifestation of evil itself. Daily squat sets, followed by a cold soak, have been shown to reduce cellulite by 25%.

Irrigate your parched heels
You can’t fight genetics: there is a 50% chance that your enemy’s daughter inherited the terrible gift that allows him to see you for the Demon you are. If you take the guise of a small boy and attend her elementary school, you’re only going to make her suspicious — and Frank knows that if Jordan says the new kid is the Devil, the new kid is probably the Devil. Your heels are dry and cracked. Soak your feet in a mix of water, vinegar, and Listerine for a replenishing wash.

A manicure fit for a royal tomb
You can hang around those peep shows all you want, reciting “The Second Coming” to the dancers, but it won’t cure your homosexual urges. Make it easy on yourself: simply kidnap a man at a rest stop, sew his eyes and mouth shut, and bury him alive. Apply quick-dry top coat over the tips of your nails to prevent chipping.

Hair that ripples and shines like a funhouse mirror
You’ve really done it this time: you killed yourself on Halloween, and now you’re doomed to smoke the same cigarette for all eternity. Smoke can damage hair follicles and fray the ends. Apply two parts honey and one part raw egg to roots and ends. Leave in for 15 minutes. Rinse thoroughly.

Alexandra Molotkow wishes she hadn’t been so young when “Millennium” aired on prime time television for the love of God.