I Hereby Convene The Beach Witch Coven

The other week I was in a fancy library researching things like archives and manuscripts for a book I’m working on, and I came across a few pages ripped out of a 1970 Mademoiselle magazine. It was mainly a photo shoot that featured a young Susan Sarandon, but on the back of the last page was the beginning of an article about, basically, DIY witchcraft. It was only the introduction and the first part of the first charm, “to catch a man,” that involves taking the dirt from his footstep. This was “more easily done by country and beach witches.”


Beach Witch is everything I want in a personal style, a #brand, an ethos. It is everything Health Goth is trying to be, before people got confused and thought it was about goths getting into juice cleanses and Crossfit. I am putting it out there that I am starting Beach Witch as a thing, and I want you to join me.

Here is a list of things Beach Witch is:

  • Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic
  • Robin Tunney in The Craft
  • Cher in Moonstruck (I know you were thinking The Witches of Eastwick, but no, Moonstruck is Cher at her most down to earth -and her most magical)
  • Painting your fingernails black on a beautiful wrap-around porch
  • Great boots
  • The ability to tell who is about to call before the phone rings
  • Sitting on kitchen counters while barefoot
  • Beaches (duh)
  • Those crochet bikinis that I think only Rihanna can pull off
  • The confidence to try to pull one off anyway if that’s your thing
  • Covens that devolve into watching the Fast and the Furious series

Here are things Beach Witch is NOT:

  • Stevie Nicks (more Moorland Witch, I’d say)
  • Caring about reading The New Yorker cover to cover
  • New Age
  • Harry Potter
  • Restrictive clothing
  • Any songs that overtly mention witches (too much)-Covens that stay covens

We will accept one (1) instance of wrapping yourself in blankets with a cup of tea and mournfully watching the rain as you think about past loves per quarter, but that’s it.

Beach witches are chill in their witchitude. They live on a permanent vacation from the occult, which was always too much drama for them, but they’re comfortable in their powers. They are leaning out but they can still read the room. They also rarely wear makeup, but when they do, they are masters of liquid eyeliner.

So who wants to join my coven? Meet at the beach and bring tacos.