All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten


1. Share everything
2. Play Fair
3. Girls rule, boys drool.
4. A donut made out of Play Doh isn’t going to taste like a real donut, even if it has really realistic looking teeny tiny Play Doh sprinkles on it.
5. Play Doh tastes pretty good, though.
6. If you cry, other people will get uncomfortable and compensate by being really nice to you.
7. You can get out of almost anything you don’t want to do by claiming you have diarrhea.
8. I promise you, nobody will question you if you say you have diarrhea.
9. If you hurt someone else, say sorry.
10. Even if it wasn’t an accident.
11. Especially if it wasn’t an accident, but you want people to think it was an accident.
12. Repeat after me: “Oh, I’m sorry Billy, did I just kick you in the shins twenty-seven times in a row? My bad. It was an accident.”
13. Michelle is being a goddamn liar when she says she’s seen “The Land Before Time XXVIII.” There aren’t that many Land Before Time movies. There are a lot, though.
14. Cut and paste is a sham.
15. Nobody will ever love you nearly as much as you love TV.
16. Kindness will take you far. If you are kind enough to your parents they might even drive you to the science museum, even though it is pretty far away.
17. Elmo is the stupidest Sesame Street character. A lot of retailers will try to convince you that Elmo is adorable and not shrill and annoying. Don’t listen to them. They just want you to put Tickle-Me Elmo on your Christmas wish list.
18. (Grover is the best Sesame Street character, though Cookie Monster, Bert, and Ernie are also pretty great.)
19. Never trust a man who really wants to show you the inside of his van.
20. Tights can definitely be pants if you want them to be. Fuck the haters telling you how to dress.