How to Deal with Weird Body Hair
Welcome. I see you’ve clicked on the link about weird body hair. Is it because you’re looking for ways to get rid of yours? Is it because you have some and want to make sure it’s normal? Is it because you were also betrayed by health class and were more prepared to grow black hair on your tongue from smoking a cigarette than grow nipple hairs or tiny chin hairs or the occasional single chest hair?
It’s okay. You’re in a safe space. Let’s address a few questions about some of the lesser-discussed body hairs.
1. I have hair on my lady nipples. What if my partner notices my nipple hair?
This is a great question, especially given the very normal social ritual of meticulously inspecting another person’s body for any and all hair. In addition to shaving or tweezing, another effective way to deal with nipple hair is to say things like:
“I’m growing it out so I can donate it.”
“In some cultures nipple hair is a sign of prosperity, probably.”
“Oh, those aren’t nipple hairs. They’re just some of my eyelashes that got lost.”
“What do you think season 2 of Serial is going to be about? Probably not my nipple hair.”
“You’re welcome for letting you see my boobs.”
2. I have hair on my toes, and I am a FEMALE WOMAN!!!?!?!?!
I’m not a doctor, so I wouldn’t know for sure, but I think having female anatomy doesn’t cancel out your body’s ability to grow hair in unexpected places. Does that sound right? I don’t know. Maybe try going to WebMD, typing “hair” into the symptom checker, and see what it says.
In the meantime, if you’re having trouble with toe hair, just take Sara Bareilles’ advice: tweet about it, and then go back to being a goddamn baller, writing hit songs and shit.
3. Should I trim my nose hair?
I say no, because some people can’t even grow long nose hairs. And here you are, #blessed with nose hair that flows from the heavens, and you want to just get rid of it? How dare you cut your luscious nasal locks when some have to go without. That’s insensitive. Check your privilege.
And while we’re on the topic of me, a singular person, telling you what’s what: always pluck your eyebrows so they’re just a line of single hairs, never wear white after Labor Day unless you want to get left behind in The Rapture, and the dress is white and gold.
4. But what if I’m a girl? Should I trim my nose hair then?
UM, YES. I don’t know why this would even be a question. Of course ladies should trim their nose hairs, because what else would you use to make your tiny, voodoo hair dolls? Your pubes? Everyone knows pubic hair is far too coarse to make into a hair doll. Grow up.
5. Is it normal if I have hair on my (insert random body part here)?
If you sprout a random hair where you typically don’t have any and are wondering “Is this normal?” here’s a quick way to check: Look in the mirror and see if you are a live human person. If you are, then it’s probably safe to say it’s normal. But again, I’m no doctor. If you look in the mirror and realize you aren’t a human, then what are you? How’d you get here? Who let you on the Internet, and when will you be usurping the human race?
Mia Mercado is a writer living in Kansas City. If she had to describe herself in three words, she probably wouldn’t. You can follow her on Twitter @miamarket if that’s a thing you do.