A Prayer for Cookie Lyon

by Liz Galvao


Dear Cookie Lyon:
Empress of the Empire,
Fabulosticator of Fabulosticators,
Dranker of Purple Drank,
And Haver of That Ass,

In your name,
we pray:

That all the birds
and small furry animals
who’ve donated themselves
to your wardrobe
lived long and happy lives;

That all these chilly bitches
who are not on your level
will sit down
and shut up;

That Courtney Love’s Elle will prevail
and will provide
so that both you and she
shall hath the redemption
you both so richly deserve;

That one day
we will understand
what exactly is Andre’s unique brand
of mental illness
which involves
intermittent Hulk rages,
shower crying,
resentful pill-taking
and an icy hot wife?

That Hakeem may forgive you
before Naomi Campbell
eats him alive
in a bathtub;

That Jamal may be spared
from the mugging he surely deserves
after singing his version of
“Banging on a Trash Can”
at 3AM
in his ambiguously “bad”

That one day it will be known
why this show films in Chicago
if it’s set in New York;

And why no one
I repeat
no one
has mentioned
the Ice Bucket Challenge
not even once;

And another thing — 
why hath no one uttered the words
“paternity test”
when it comes to Raven-Symoné’s kid?
pretty sure
you can buy them
over the counter

O, Cookie — 
Doer of Time,
Producer of Producers,
Manager of the Unmanageable,
And Mother of Lyons,

In your name,
we pray:

That Lucious
may never break your heart again
because honestly
you deserve better

I mean
what kind of douchebag
proposes to his new lady
on his anniversary
with his ex?
even looking like Terrence Howard…

That you may continue
not to take his shit
not to entertain his homophobia
and not to lie
about the sex you’re having with him;

That Becky and Porscha
may continue to be
the best characters
on this show
besides yourself;

That you shall never know
a single room
that lacks
for a Kehinde Wiley painting;

And that we may never again wonder
if we’re really,

supposed to take
“Drip Drop”

In your name,
we pray —

drip drippity


Liz Galvao is a comedy writer and the music editor of BUST Magazine. You can find out more about her Cookie-based religion by following her on Twitter or subscribing to her Weird Personal Emails here.